This morning a good friend of mine posted an article that talked about how childhood trauma, especially ongoing trauma, can affect our adult lives in areas that we probably never thought about. There are certain behaviors that as adults, we may not realize stem from rotten childhoods. When I read the article, I thought, "Holy cow! Did the writer watch my childhood?" My friend posting that particular article came at just the right moment for me. I believe it was divinely inspired. There are habits in my life that I did not recognize as having anything to do with my childhood on a subconscious level. Now that I recognize them, I can change them.
The reason that her article came at the perfect time is because whenever I begin to succeed in reaching my goals, I find myself blocked by those voices from the past telling me that it's never going to happen. If I ignore those past voices, the flashbacks start up. I had one of those flashbacks last night and it all most shut me down. I could have allowed it to take me to a dark place full of bad memories but instead I chose to handle it by showing love to another little girl.
I was sitting by the fireplace with my husband and I looked over into the kitchen and saw my 15 year old daughter standing on a chair, cleaning our over the range microwave. She was wearing a red shirt. That red shirt combined with how she was standing on that chair, bent at the waist to reach, took me right back to being a six year old girl in an instant.
I had been standing on a chair washing dishes. I was wearing a red t-shirt with a rainbow on the front. I was six so of course I was doing more daydreaming than cleaning. I don't know how long I stood there but it was long enough that my dish water had gone cold. My drunken step-dad had walked into the kitchen and caught me daydreaming and immediately knocked me off the chair. I flew across the kitchen and he just kept coming. That beating probably lasted no more than three minutes and ended with him dragging me to my bedroom doorway, lifting me above his head and throwing me across the room where I narrowly missed hitting the top bunk, landing on the bottom bunk. The wall stopped me from flying any further. That is the only time that I remember my Mother comforting me. She rocked me for a few minutes and kept telling me to stop crying.
My husband is the one who interrupted that flashback. He had put his hand on my knee and asked me if I was all right. I had been staring at my daughter with a strange look on my face. I got up, went to my daughter and hugged her. I told her what an amazing job she was doing and how much I appreciate that she was taking her time to clean the microwave right. She hugged me right back. THAT is how it should be.
After reading the article that my friend posted, I realized that anytime I begin to be successful in reaching my goals, those flashbacks intensify. I re-live every childhood trauma, and in my case there are many, and I allow them to stop me from reaching my goals. Not this time! This time I recognize what is happening. I will tame that dragon. The only way to do that is to ignore the past voices and push through the bad memories and accomplish what I set out to do.
The people who abused me and allowed the abuse to go on are sad, pathetic people whom I pity. I will give them no place in my world to do more harm to me or my children. I think that if I can forgive those who harmed me and feel nothing but pity for them, as well as, kicking them out of my life to keep my children safe, then I can tame the dragons that rear their heads to stop me from reaching the goals that I have set for myself.
In the end it is the here and now that truly matters. The past is gone. There is only the present and the future. Now that I recognize the problem, my future is looking a bit brighter. I will finish my books and reach my goals but the greatest thing that I will ever do - I have all ready done. My children grew up knowing love and safety every day of their lives. So now it is time to move forward.
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