Why Does Murphy Get To Make The Laws?

Murphy's Law has ruled my world for the past week. If it could go wrong, it did. If I thought it couldn't go wrong, well, it did.

It started with me trying to find some quiet time to work. The only quiet time in my house is when everyone else is sleeping. I stayed up very late two nights in a row and knocked out a whole lot of work but I also managed to re-set my body clock. That is an easy thing to do with fibro considering that many of us find it difficult to fall asleep in the first place.

By the third night I was ready to sleep like a normal person. That didn't happen. Sleep flat out refused to visit me. The fourth day I was so exhausted, I decided to not even take a cat nap. That way I would just fall right to sleep that night. Mother nature had other plans. She brought in such a painful cold front that I didn't sleep the fifth day either. I finally gave in to an afternoon nap because by then I was so cranky, I couldn't stand to talk to me anymore - and that's saying something! But guess what happens when you take a late afternoon nap? Yup! No sleep that night either.

I finally broke out the sleeping pills that I am usually too afraid of to take. By then I was desperate. Those tiny little pills promise that if you will take just one for three to four nights in a row, you will re-set your body clock and go to sleep on a normal schedule. They lied.

An hour and a half after that first sleeping pill, I decided to count sheep but after a while, my sheep started dressing up in hats and pearls and wearing lipstick. Before long, they were break dancing and I thought it was so funny I laughed out loud and woke my husband. So I changed tactics. I visualized lying on a floating bed in the middle of the ocean just letting the waves rock me to sleep. Do you feel the warm breeze kissing your skin as your body rocks gently on the waves? Can you smell the salted air? Did you feel that? Ya, me too. Damn whale just spit water all over us! So I got up and swept the floors.

I took a nap this morning. It is now 4:02 A.M. and obviously I will not sleep tonight. Not sleeping at night directly affects how horribly Murphy and his stupid law will impact my days. So far this week I have gotten no work finished. Started, yes. Finished? Nope. The laundry is done and the house is clean but that's about it.

Instead, I have been trying to track down the current owners of a property that I want to buy but I keep hitting dead ends. I got into a very loud conversation with my doctor; a man whom I normally have nothing but praise for. My youngest child is doing her best this week to see just how far she can bend the rules before Mommy snaps and my wonderful husband seems to be going through a manstrual cycle that has my nerves twisted into a pretzel. I have a list of work to start and finish that is literally as long as my arm and it all hinges on whether or not my body will finally give in to sleep and release me from Mr. Murphy.

Guess what just happened? My browser suddenly stopped working and closed the page while I was typing. I was so relieved to find that blogger did its job and automatically saved this to draft. I do believe that it is time to have a knock down, drag out with Mr. Murphy and I had better go do it now before his stupid law closes the page again.

In the end, all any of us can really do is smile and get through the day. I will get the work finished and eventually, I will go to sleep for an entire week. I love you guys! Do your best to avoid Mr. Murphy. He's got a strange sense of humor.

How did you do that?

I did it again. I worked all through the night. I was so caught up in writing that I did not realize just how fast the time was flying by....until my daughter's alarm clock went off. Scared me half to death! 5a.m. came fast and yuppers! I'm gonna pay for staying up all night again. I'm not always the brightest bulb in the box when it comes to managing my fibro. I do know better. I just get really tired of fibro interfering in my life. It isn't going to let me stubborn myself to death much longer. I will have to pay the fibro fairy dearly for staying up all night again. If I'm lucky, when she pays me a visit this morning, I can catch her, strangle her and bury her in the backyard and we'll all be better off! :) A girl can dream.

I have gotten quite a few emails from people wanting to know how I lost the weight and reversed heart disease. I will tell you what I did but only if you first understand that each body is different and what works for one person does not necessarily work for everyone.

After the stents were put in, I had a lot of chest pain for over a year (they forgot to tell me that would happen) so I took my exercise program slow. I started with walking. We live in the country so I would take my dogs for a 30 minute walk. I started with three times a week for a month and then added a day each week after that until I was up to 7 days a week. I did not start off with brisk walking either. Just a stroll until I felt comfortable stepping up the pace.

I bought a pedometer and started setting a step count. I began with 2,000 steps. Seriously, that sounds like a lot but you would be amazed at how fast you reach that goal just cleaning your house and running your errands. I added steps at 500 step increments until I was up to 10,000 steps a day. That final number was my cardiologist's suggestion. 10,000 steps equals five miles. I just starting walking to our church and back. Viola'! 5 miles. If I can't walk outside, I have a Tony Little Gazelle in my den and get my steps in that way.

The more I exercise, the less I hurt, that is, unless I exercise until I hurt and then the fibro fairy pays me a visit and exercise is reduced to gentle stretching. Stretching! I highly recommend it! Stopping to gently stretch through out the day not only keeps your muscles limber, it keeps your arteries flexible. You want your arteries to stay flexible. Hardened arteries collect plaque. Plaque builds until it ruptures and cuts off the blood flow to your heart. 50% of first time heart attacks end in death. Stretching is our friend!

Exercise combined with a healthy eating plan is what helped me to drop the fifty-five pounds that I did not want. I never have counted calories or invested in one of the many weight loss guru's plans. I don't doubt that they help many people but I am a researcher so that is where I turned. I learned the difference between good fats and bad fats. I found out how much of each we are supposed to ingest everyday and I took the bad fat number and cut it in half. If the Saturated fats are more than 5 grams per serving, I won't eat it. If it has Trans fat, I don't even bother to buy it. That is extreme for some people but I had just had a heart attack and I don't intend to have another so I have stuck with severely restricting bad fats. You would be surprised at what is really in your food. Learn to read labels.

I cut sugar out all together and moved to Stevia. Cutting out sugar gave me a headache for two days but now I can not eat sweets without getting sick all most right away. My body does not want the sugar. Stevia is 300 times sweeter than sugar so I use less, it can be used in baking just the same as sugar and your body does not react to it the way it does to sugar. No blood sugar spikes and no high triglycerides.

I also drink a dose of Metamucil everyday. My Cardiologist (and my research after he told me this) said that the pills are not as effective as the powder. The powder doesn't taste good but, down it real quick and it's done and over with. Metamucil helps in several ways. Not only does it help to sweep away plaque that has settled in your arteries, it helps you to feel full for several hours so that you avoid mindless snacking. It also keeps your bowels healthy and regular. Just make sure to drink plenty of water through out the day to help it move through your system.

I also cut way back on red meat and now make sure that we eat much more fish and chicken. I bake or broil the meat 90% of the time rather than fry it. Fruit, veggies and whole grains make up the majority of my diet now and if I want a snack, I either grab a handful of almonds or I make a smoothie with Greek non-fat yogurt, coconut milk and whatever fruit I am in the mood for.

The real key is this....never tell yourself that you can not have something if you really, really want it! When I deny myself that something that I really want, I find that I want it even more and if I berate myself for indulging, I just end up feeling guilty. When you feel guilty, you start to believe that you have failed when you didn't! If I want a piece of chocolate once a month, then I have a piece of chocolate. I no longer want the whole chocolate bar because my body can not handle the sugar but a bite or two satisfies that craving.

Becoming healthy is about more than reaching a goal weight. It is a life style change and a change in your relationship with food. Eating healthy does not have to be a bland diet full of restrictions and hunger pangs. There are plenty of websites with super healthy recipes that my whole family loves. It also doesn't have to be expensive. Many times eating a healthy meal at home is more cost effective than running out for fast food.

Like I said before, the way that I did it may not work for everyone. I never counted calories and I did not join a weight loss program but if you feel that you need the support of a program, go for it! There are plenty of support groups on facebook and twitter where you will be able to connect with those who are walking down the same road and are very supportive of one another.

It all comes down to what you want. You are the only person who can take the first step to becoming a healthier, more energetic person. I think you will find that once you have taken the first step, there will be plenty of people who are willing to help guide you. I wish you a healthy, happy life!

Flare, Stupid Flare

Today has been a 'take it slow' day for me. Sometimes I do not realize that I have gone into flare until it's too late to do anything but try to minimize the symptoms. I have been pushing things harder than I should have but let's be honest here, fibro is a pain in the butt. It gets in the way of things that I want to do and sometimes I just blow right past the warning signs and do what I want to do anyway. I'm stubborn that way.

This has not been a major pain event, though I know that is coming. I realized this afternoon that I had gone into flare when I found myself misspelling the same simple word over and over again. I knew how to spell it. I knew what keys to hit, but my brain was not getting the signal to my hands. Later, I lost a thought in a thick cloud in my mind and could not reach in and get it back. Fibro fog. Damn!

I did it to myself. With the weather changing from warmish to freezing every other day, I knew to slow down and take precautions but sometimes those precautions are time consuming and I just don't want to do them. They cut in to the time that I could be doing other things. For example, I know to go to bed at a decent hour but I have been working at night because that is when I have a pretty good shot at actually getting some work done without "Mom!" being shouted fifty times in an hour.

I have been able to get a lot of work done while my family is sleeping so I'm not so sure that I'm willing to give up that quiet time just yet. Flare or not. I keep thinking that there must be a happy medium during daylight hours but with children, there really isn't. With all of the housework, errands, pets, children and my husband, I have no time during the day to just work, so I will continue to work at night. There is no other option at the moment.

I know that all I can really do is eat right, hydrate, exercise and rest when my body demands it. It promises to be very demanding for the foreseeable future. Don't you just love flare? Ya, me too. Hopefully someday soon, scientists will discover a real solution for this. In the mean time, if you have this, don't blow past the warning signs. Next time, I think I will pay closer attention.

Taming Another Dragon

This morning a good friend of mine posted an article that talked about how childhood trauma, especially ongoing trauma, can affect our adult lives in areas that we probably never thought about. There are certain behaviors that as adults, we may not realize stem from rotten childhoods. When I read the article, I thought, "Holy cow! Did the writer watch my childhood?" My friend posting that particular article came at just the right moment for me. I believe it was divinely inspired. There are habits in my life that I did not recognize as having anything to do with my childhood on a subconscious level. Now that I recognize them, I can change them.

The reason that her article came at the perfect time is because whenever I begin to succeed in reaching my goals, I find myself blocked by those voices from the past telling me that it's never going to happen. If I ignore those past voices, the flashbacks start up. I had one of those flashbacks last night and it all most shut me down. I could have allowed it to take me to a dark place full of bad memories but instead I chose to handle it by showing love to another little girl.

I was sitting by the fireplace with my husband and I looked over into the kitchen and saw my 15 year old daughter standing on a chair, cleaning our over the range microwave. She was wearing a red shirt. That red shirt combined with how she was standing on that chair, bent at the waist to reach, took me right back to being a six year old girl in an instant.

I had been standing on a chair washing dishes. I was wearing a red t-shirt with a rainbow on the front. I was six so of course I was doing more daydreaming than cleaning. I don't know how long I stood there but it was long enough that my dish water had gone cold. My drunken step-dad had walked into the kitchen and caught me daydreaming and immediately knocked me off the chair. I flew across the kitchen and he just kept coming. That beating probably lasted no more than three minutes and ended with him dragging me to my bedroom doorway, lifting me above his head and throwing me across the room where I narrowly missed hitting the top bunk, landing on the bottom bunk. The wall stopped me from flying any further. That is the only time that I remember my Mother comforting me. She rocked me for a few minutes and kept telling me to stop crying.

My husband is the one who interrupted that flashback. He had put his hand on my knee and asked me if I was all right. I had been staring at my daughter with a strange look on my face. I got up, went to my daughter and hugged her. I told her what an amazing job she was doing and how much I appreciate that she was taking her time to clean the microwave right. She hugged me right back. THAT is how it should be.

After reading the article that my friend posted, I realized that anytime I begin to be successful in reaching my goals, those flashbacks intensify. I re-live every childhood trauma, and in my case there are many, and I allow them to stop me from reaching my goals. Not this time! This time I recognize what is happening. I will tame that dragon. The only way to do that is to ignore the past voices and push through the bad memories and accomplish what I set out to do.

The people who abused me and allowed the abuse to go on are sad, pathetic people whom I pity. I will give them no place in my world to do more harm to me or my children. I think that if I can forgive those who harmed me and feel nothing but pity for them, as well as, kicking them out of my life to keep my children safe, then I can tame the dragons that rear their heads to stop me from reaching the goals that I have set for myself. 

In the end it is the here and now that truly matters. The past is gone. There is only the present and the future. Now that I recognize the problem, my future is looking a bit brighter. I will finish my books and reach my goals but the greatest thing that I will ever do - I have all ready done. My children grew up knowing love and safety every day of their lives. So now it is time to move forward.

The Fear of Failure

Yesterday was such a nice day. Not weather wise. For me it was too cold. What made yesterday so nice was that I spent the day with my husband and oldest daughter. We drove to her college and spent the afternoon talking and laughing.

Normally I will go see our daughter every two weeks by myself to re-stock her groceries. My husband either has to work or is too exhausted to go with me, so it was nice to have him there. I know that food is abundant on campus but there are times that she doesn't have time to go eat before everything closes or she is just so deep in her studies that she ends up eating in her dorm room. I am a worrier when it comes to 'are they eating right?' and 'are they warm enough?' It was easy when I had all of my chicks in the nest but now I have to work a little harder to make sure that they have everything that they need.

My husband is not a talker, so during the ride, when he decided it was time to give me some advice, I was kind of shocked. I was tickled too because I had no idea that he has been paying such close attention to something I have been dealing with. I will warn you, to some people, this is going to sound snotty and egotistic but it's really not. It is just part of my life that I need to adjust in order to reach my goals.

My husband wanted to talk about my writing and why I have a fear of sending out a manuscript before it is absolutely perfect. I have explained to him many times , plus one more time yesterday, that an un-polished manuscript sent out to an agent or a publisher will end up in 'the pile of death'. That is just how it works. He pointed out to me that I have been buying and reading books by best selling authors that were pure crap and their work didn't end up in 'the pile'. I have too, and they are crap in my opinion. I recently read a book by a best selling author who ended the love/adventure story by making the leading man turn into the loch ness monster at night. I thought my eyes were going to roll right out of my head and bounce across the floor. I don't want someone spending their hard earned money on my work only to roll their eyes in the last chapter.

Then he pointed out that I have been published in two separate poetry anthologies and even won a prize for one of those poems. Why, he wanted to know, don't I write a book of poetry? Because I don't want to. Here is what happened; I can write poetry all day long. It comes easy to me and I find no challenge in it. Some of the poems are beautiful and they do touch some people but it is not what I want to do. I entered that last contest (it was a national poetry society yearly contest, looking for new poets) because the first place prize was $15,000.00 and I wanted to use that money to buy my husband a few commercial grade saws for his shop. There we're over 70,000 entries. The poets that placed first through fifteenth would be read onto a cd (which would be sold in certain stores) and given a copy of the anthology along with a certificate and a ribbon. I placed 11th. That pissed me off.

While everyone around me was pointing out that I had placed 11th out of over 70,000 poems and I should be proud of that, all I could think was, "Great. Now he won't get his saws." I took the anthology, the cd, the ribbon and the certificate and tossed them in the dumpster. I didn't care one little bit about them. I cared about whether or not my husband got the tools that he needed for his shop. I haven't bothered to enter another one of those contests.

Yes, I know, it seems childish but I don't want to write poetry unless it benefits the people that I care about. I want to write the things that make you wonder if you should check your shoes before you stick your feet in them. When the darkness looks back at you, what are its intentions? When you are alone and feel a cold breath on the back of your neck, are you really alone? I want to stand shoulder to shoulder with the big boys of horror -and that scares me. Am I good enough? Poetry doesn't give me that stomach twisting nervousness.

My husband suggested that I merge the two like Edgar Allen Poe. I told him that Poe's work is great but the man was straight up crazy. He just grinned and said, "Crazy people never know they are crazy." So I immediately start over analyzing myself to determine if I really am nuts and quickly came to the conclusion that it doesn't matter. He loves me. Crazy and all.

At a stop sign a half a mile from home, he turned to me and said, "Baby, you will always be afraid of failing until you fail and you can't do that until you put yourself out there. Get the manuscript done and send it out. Someone is going to like it." I love that man.

He is right. I can't let fear hold me back. Especially when fear is what I write about. Failure is just a learning experience. It isn't the end of a dream. It is merely a stepping stone. I have ten manuscripts waiting for polish. It is time for me to get to work.

Getting Ready For The Weekend

I am one tired girl tonight. Today has been busy, busy. It started with no sleep last night. Another cold front moved through so the fibro fairy and I argued all night. I thought she should allow the Sandman to come in but she wanted to play the muscle spasm game. She won.

I left early and did my grocery shopping. I also did my daughter's grocery shopping so I can stock her fridge when I go visit her at her college tomorrow. I haven't seen her in two weeks so I am excited. Let's hope the weather is feeling kinder tomorrow than it was today. If not, I'm going anyway. I look forward to our visits.

After putting away the groceries, I threw a couple of pork roasts in the crock pot on low so that when I get home tomorrow, I can pull the meat apart, add bar-b-que sauce and coleslaw and viola! Dinner is ready with very little rushing around on my part. The family can eat pulled pork sandwiches with coleslaw and chips while I take a much needed nap. I just love that crock pot! It makes my life so much simpler.

I spent the late afternoon pulling jewelry patterns that I had made before the holidays pulled me away from them. It's time to get back on the horse and rebuild my stock so that I can revamp my etsy store and do one more thing that I adore. I absolutely love making jewelry. The more intricate, the better. I found out that if I focus on tiny work (seed beads), I do not focus on what my body is doing at all. I get lost in both jewelry making and writing. It is a form of therapy and it helps to bring in a decent income. My goal this year is to get my greenhouse built and also a new wood shop for my husband.

He has built a shop on every property that we have owned except this one. We only bought this house three years ago and he has been so busy with work, there has been no time for him to build one. I want to have it done for him as a gift. I am not entirely being the sweet, loving wife. I have ulterior motives. He has been telling me that he is ready to start working from home in his own shop again but he is just too busy to slow down and build the shop. I want him to work from home. I miss that! I like having my husband near by. I like working in his shop with him. The smell of the wood, being able to have lunch with him everyday, knowing that if I need to make an appointment for him, it won't matter if he can take time off to go to the chiropractor because he is his own boss...ya. It's time to get that back. I'm not romanticizing it. We both need our space at times but I love being around my husband.

This is going to be a fun and challenging year. I am so looking forward to all of the changes. For now though, I am looking forward to sleep. I have locked all of the doors and windows in the hope that the fibro fairy will take a hint. I hope that you all sleep well and you have a fun, pain free weekend.

Why this blog called Exquisitely Stupid

It has brought to my attention that I have not explained the reason that I named this blog Exquisitely Stupid. I am not referring to myself in the title. When I started this blog there were so many things going on in my life that I needed to sort through. The title refers to how I view the pain that visits me on a daily basis and also to some of the more ridiculous events that I have had to deal with. I just never really thought that anyone would want to read my thoughts. It amazes me that you have come here. It also lets me know that I am not alone and that all by itself, is a pretty good pain reliever.

Knowing that you read my blog gives me something to focus on other than the pain. I look forward to the next post and sharing it with you. So I want to Thank You! If this blog has brightened your day in any way, then we have helped each other and that makes this blog worth writing.

If you have read through past posts then you all ready know that I have several chronic pain conditions. If you haven't, I will explain them to you. The short version, without all of the medical speak, is this, I have fibromyalgia. In my case it is genetic. It is passed down through the women in my family. I also have chronic myofascial pain (CMP). That came from a violent childhood that damaged my myofascia beyond its ability to heal itself and is made worse by the muscle spams that come with fibromyalgia. Those spasms cause tiny tears within the myofascia and the body tries to heal them with scar tissue. That scar tissue has gotten out of control, making my case more severe than it would have been without the CMP. I also have chronic fatigue syndrome, chronic migraine and we suspect Raynaud's Phenomenon but are still trying to pin point if that is part of the problem.

I am not the only person dealing with all of these problems. There are many of us, but for me, many days the pain is both exquisite and stupid. By exquisite I mean that the intensity can be over whelming. Some days it feels like there is a layer of gasoline between my skin and muscles and someone lit it on fire. Some days it feels like muscle is being torn away from the bone. Some days I can't lift my head from a migraine and some days I can't walk without falling down. The symptoms vary and the pain is severe. I never know what is going to hit me in the morning. It is stupid to have to hurt that badly. I find it so completely stupid to hurt this way that I have no choice but to laugh, which some people find morbid but if I don't laugh and if I don't find more positive ways to cope, I would give up and that just isn't in my nature.

I feel that I am fortunate in this fight against my own body. I have met many others who also fight this with a sense of humor and a positive attitude. I have an understanding family and a whole team of doctors that actually talk to one another. It took me eleven years to put together the team that I have but they are fantastic and I am grateful for them. I think God gave me a couple of bonuses to lean on too. Literally. I have a Great Pyrenees and a Pitt Bull who, though they were never trained to do it, know before I do if I am about to fall and they quickly position themselves in front of me and brace themselves so I can catch myself on their backs. It amazes me that they are so in tune with me and I am so grateful for them! Kissing the floor isn't my idea of a good time.

Occasionally I get an all most painless day. I look forward to those. In the meantime, I will take care of my rebellious body, search for ways to lessen the pain and deliberately do the things that I am told I can not. And when the pain is exquisitely stupid I will get back up. Every time.

The Art of Giving Up

"I Can't"
I hear those two little words on a daily basis from the people in my day to day life and from people online. It is a favorite phrase among the fibro community and has become a favorite among several of the people that I care deeply for. How many of you use those two words on a weekly or even daily basis?

"I Can't"
Usually meant to convey to someone else that you really don't want to because if you did want to, you would. It's a cop out without having to say, "I don't want to." Do you want to lose weight?  'I can't' Do you want to open the business you have always dreamt of? 'I can't' Do you want to take a walk? 'I Can't' Clean your house? Chase your dreams? Change your life? 'I Can't' 'I Can't' 'I Can't'

"I Can't"
Do you realize just how powerful those two little words are? When you use them in reference to yourself, you are telling yourself quite convincingly, that you are not good enough. You are lowering your own self worth by teaching yourself to be less than what you are capable of achieving. I have heard people say that they are not smart enough, that they 'can't' learn. There is more than one way to learn to do what ever it is that you want to do. Maybe you learn best by doing instead of reading. Maybe you need someone to show you how to do something. You might learn best on your own by reading or following written directions. There are so many ways to learn how to reach your goals. You just have to find what way works the best for you.

"You Can't"
Have you stood there and allowed someone to tell you that you can't do what you want to do with your life? Did you hear those words so many times that you started to believe them? It's time to change your mind about yourself. You should never allow another person, no matter who they are or how much you trust them, to tell you that you can't reach your goals.
I have had many people in my life tell me that I couldn't do something. It only made me mad. I would deliberately do the exact thing that I was told I couldn't, just to show them that I can too! Watch me! I learned to knit, crochet, write, cook, sculpt, make jewelry, pyrography, sew, embroider, paint, lost fifty-five pounds, reversed heart disease and found ways to be more stubborn than fibro all because someone told me that I couldn't do it. My Doctors said that I could no longer earn a living because I am disabled. Paleease! Label me the 'D' word if you want to. Go ahead and put it in my chart but I'm still earning a living. Don't be stupid enough to tell me that I can't because I am just redneck enough to look you in the eye and say, "Oh ya? Watch this!"

'Try'
Get rid of the two words that poison your mind and lower your self esteem and replace them with 'I'll Try'. It doesn't matter if you fail. Thomas Edison failed but he kept trying until he succeeded. If he had not tried anyway when someone told him that he couldn't invent the light bulb, we would all be sitting in the dark.
We all fail. It is what we do after that failure that defines us. Will you give up and give in to 'I Can't' or will you get back up and find a different path to your goal?

Excuses! Excuses!
Excuses drive me nuts! An excuse is another cop out. It is also a lie that you tell yourself and others so you won't be expected to put forth the effort to achieve your dreams. Having a chronic illness is no excuse for not getting off the couch. It is not an excuse to give up on life and wait to die. Being insecure is also no excuse. You will never help your pain or your self esteem by not even trying to live the life that you dream of. Insecurities can be conquered by proving to yourself that you actually can do the very thing you have convinced yourself that you can't do. Pain diminishes when you teach your body that movement is your friend. Self esteem soars when you are actively moving toward your goals instead of standing still and when you accomplish what you set out to do, you get to gloat just a little bit to those who said 'you can't'. I know because I have done it. So can you.

You can start right now. Write down your goal. It can be big or small, just write it down. Now, break it down into the steps that you will need to take to reach that goal. If you aren't sure of what steps to take, ask for help from someone who does know. By breaking your goals down into smaller tasks, you not only do not become over whelmed, but you get to celebrate the small victories along the way and with each victory you begin to realize that you really are doing the very thing that you thought you couldn't do! Look at you!

You get the point now. If you give up on you, so will everyone around you. You are the only person who can take control of your life. You can take control of your health. You can take control of your dreams. You can reach every goal that you set, as long as you kick those two words out of your head and never speak them again. You can and when you really want your life to change for the better, you will.

Migraines and Mayhem

Yesterday did not go as planned. I was going to start my meal planning and catch up on laundry. I actually have a whole list of things that need my attention. Once again, I was reminded of how little control I have in the big scheme of things. I woke up with a migraine and though I took the medicine as soon as I realized that it was more than a run of the mill headache, I went down hill fast. By late afternoon my head felt like a lead weight and I had no choice but to give in and go lay down. Luckily for me, my son decided to cook dinner so I could rest.

Today didn't go much smoother. My husband took the day off to go get his driver license renewed and to handle some other business that he had put off and he decided, as he often does, that I could just drop my plans and go help him handle his business. The thing is, his business has nothing to do with me and there was absolutely nothing for me to do except sit and wait for him to finish handling his business. Before you start thinking, 'Aaaww! He just wanted to spend some time with you!' There was no time for him to spend with me. His attention was needed elsewhere, which left me sitting in waiting rooms, thinking about all of the things that I would need to rush to do when we finally got back home.

It is possible that he just liked the idea of my being there but I don't like to be put behind schedule. One day with a migraine and one day sitting in various waiting rooms will put me a week behind schedule in the end. What husbands sometimes have a problem understanding is that Wives and Mothers do not get the luxury of taking a couple of days off without consequence. Two days off means four loads of laundry instead of two. It means I will be up later than I wanted to be so that I can sweep and mop the floors when everyone else is in bed. Something I normally do when everyone is gone during the day so I won't have foot prints on my floors before they are dry.

It also means that dinner gets started later and homework time is more hectic because I am trying to cook while still paying attention to my daughter and her homework needs. It means that I will be awake until the small hours of the morning to catch up on the articles that I have been assigned to write, because I did not work the past two days. But it also means that with fibro, I will pay for all of that sitting while I am rushing to catch up on all of my other work. I feel a heavy sigh coming on.

I have two ways that I can look at this whole situation; aggravated as a wet cat that I have been put so far behind or just happy that my husband, for whatever reason, wanted me to come along with him. For now, I will choose the latter but make no mistake, I know me well enough to know that by 2a.m., I'll be cussing under my breath just a little. Tomorrow morning I will more than likely sleep in for a few extra hours because with all of the sitting and extra activity tonight, along with the falling temperatures, if I don't rest when I can, the fibro fairy will be sure to show up and demand more of a payment than I am willing to give her.

Life doesn't always happen the way we plan it out on our lists. With a chronic illness of any kind, that can mean trouble in your body if you are not prepared to change what you are used to doing to combat the extra pain. For me, it means that I will need to be doubly sure that I am hydrated and I will need to stop and do some gentle stretching every hour or so to keep the stiffness at bay. It also means that I need to change my mindset. If I focus on how irritated I am that I am so far behind, those negative thoughts will translate into amplified pain levels, which will make tonight miserable. Instead, I will deliberately focus on what I enjoy about each task and how happy I will be when everything is all caught up and I can sleep in. When I do wake up, I will start the day with a clean slate. The chores will be caught up, the house will be clean and my articles will have been written and turned in. That is something to look forward to.

Whatever each new day throws at you, you have a choice in how you handle it. You can choose to deal with things grudgingly and full of irritation or you can choose to focus on one thing in each task that really isn't so bad and also the fact that you will get through this too. Now, I have a few dozen things to go 'get through'. May your days run smoothly!

Birthdays, Lazy Days and Crockpots

Welcome to the United Kingdom! I am happy that you stopped by! I have been asking readers to leave comments at the end of the posts so that I might get to know you but then I started getting reports that people have been trying to comment but their comments disappear. I believe that I have fixed the problem but if it happens to you for some reason, please send me an email and I will go back in and see what the problem is.

Today is my Husband's Birthday. We just spent the day at home, eating and watching movies. He isn't one to celebrate his birthday. He does not like parties and he does not like it when I make a big fuss over him. He prefers to spend his special day quietly with his family and that is fine with me as long as it makes him happy.

Tomorrow will be busy so taking today to just rest and recover from the storms has been a nice change of pace. I have an entire list of things that need to be done, but with the way my body has been behaving, I will just go down my list and feel content to accomplish one task at a time. Normally when I make a list of things to do, it ends up being a very long, very complicated list. I always think of things that I have put off for too long that probably don't have to be done right now but I am one of those people who gets a whole lot of satisfaction in checking off each item on the list.

Tomorrow those check marks are not going to add up very quickly. I have to do the one thing that I dread doing -making the meal plan for another month. I hate, hate, hate making that meal plan! I like to use my crockpot as much as possible. It keeps me from spending a couple of hours a night in the kitchen. I do my best to plan meals that have similar ingredients that are also on sale, that I also have a coupon for. Then I have to go through the ingredients in every recipe and check to see what I have and what I have to buy. Then there is the shopping and when I get home and unload everything, I spend the following day slicing and dicing and chopping and adding each recipe to it's own gallon sized Ziploc bag and labeling and freezing it until I am ready to choose a meal to pop in the crockpot.

From finding new recipes so that we aren't getting bored with the same meals over and over to making the shopping list to going through the sales flyers to matching the coupons to the sales to preparing and freezing the meals; I usually end up spending a total of three days from start to finish. Those three days are time well spent because then I don't have to cook a meal from scratch for the next 34 days but this time will be different. I am spoiled by having two refrigerators. I can stock both of them and not have to shop for a month. Last week, one of them died and until I can get a repair person here, I am down to one fridge which means that I can only plan meals for a week at a time. Ugh! That means more shopping later. I don't like grocery shopping.

With the recent awful weather, many people had their water pipes freeze and break so the repair people are super busy and my refrigerator is not high on the priority list. I am not going to whine about it too much. I am grateful that our pipes did not freeze and break so I will shop week to week and pray that everyone has their pipes fixed soon. Make no mistake though, I will be one happy girl when I have two working refrigerators again!

I have found that by planning out our meals the way that I have described, I am not only giving my family a home cooked, healthy meal every night but I save one hundred and fifty dollars a month. Once I realized that I was saving so much, it made the three days worth of planning and prep work worth it. Plus, I have around two extra hours in the evenings to spend with my family without being stuck in the kitchen.

If you want to look into preparing thirty days of home cooked meals and save some money, Pinterest has several great tutorials. I look for new recipes on http://www.dlife.com  They have a nifty little tool that allows you to put in an ingredient that you want to use and it pulls up hundreds of recipes with that ingredient. It is a diabetic recipe site but you don't have to be diabetic to use it. The website is diabetic friendly but the recipes are also heart healthy and help with weight loss and maintaining a healthy weight. I use it because I had a heart attack four years ago and the recipes allow me to take care of my heart and they taste good so no one complains that the food is bland.

I also use a site called http://www.momswithcrockpots.com and http://www.penniesandpancakes.blogspot.com  Both of these sites have thirty day menus with recipes and I have never had a complaint from my family about the taste of the food. I know that there are many sites with crockpot recipes, I just haven't had the time to search them out yet. Maybe I should go do that now and get a jump on tomorrow. If you know of any good recipe sites let us know! If you know of ways to save the grocery budget, please speak up! Every little bit counts and I am doing my very best this year to gather up those little bits and put them away for a rainy day. I am off to start my search for new recipes. Go enjoy your crockpots!

Choosing Kindess in the Face of Pain

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I did not post yesterday. Fibro got the better of me. I have kept a pain diary for several months now and I have noticed that when the barometric pressure hits 30, I'm in trouble pain wise. I am fine if it is 29 and I am fine if it's 31 but let it hit 30 and I feel like I was hit by a car! Why 30 is the magic number is still unknown. Maybe I will never know. The fibro body doesn't make much sense and no matter how much medicine I take, when the barometric pressure is 30, nothing helps. So I laid in bed with my electric blanket and prayed. I finally fell asleep not because I was sleepy but because I was exhausted from fighting the pain.

An exhausting, painful night makes for a cranky morning. I did my best to keep my crankiness to myself. I know that when I am in that kind of pain, I am like a wounded animal and my words bite if I am not careful. I don't want to hurt my family so I keep my mouth shut. This morning I began to wonder if that is really the best approach.

By keeping to myself and not speaking to anyone, I am pushing away the people who love me the most. The very people who I love the most. I changed my behavior this morning when I realized that by being standoffish I am hurting them. My daughter wanted a hug. Usually I would back away because I know that will cause me extra pain but guess what? By not hugging her, I was causing her pain! It really made me feel like I was being a bad Mother. I ended up explaining to her that Mommy hurt extra today so the hug would have to be extra gentle. She was fine with that. She just wanted to give me a good morning hug. The smile on her face warmed my heart and actually made me feel better. I made the decision to change my behavior permanently.

Normally on a day like today I would rest and try to recover from a pain filled night so in keeping with changing my behavior, I took my husband out to lunch instead. He did not expect that! We sat and talked for over an hour at the restaurant. He surprised me by telling me that he knew that I was struggling last night. I thought he had been asleep but he wasn't. He was quietly praying for me. I all most cried when he told me that.

I have been so surprised at what a change in my actions has caused in my home today. I ended up feeling better because I deliberately chose kindness over crankiness. My children have been happier today and my husband has been loving and attentive. Even with the extra pain, it has been a very nice day.

We had thunderstorms move through last night and that is what caused such agony. Unfortunately, we are expecting more storms to come through tonight and then again later in the week. I know what kind of agony is heading my way with the storms but I will choose kindness over crankiness. I know that I will not get much sleep and I will once again, feel like I have been run over by a car but I also know that the storms will pass and a few hours later, so will the worst of the pain. I will still deliberately choose to be kind instead of keeping to myself. My family deserves better from me and frankly, I deserve better from me.

I am not sure how many of you keep a pain diary or if you even know how, so I will explain it to you. I have a notebook that I fill in everyday. I write the date, the time, the weather conditions (stormy or sunny, the temperature, the humidity level and the barometric pressure). I also write down the phase of the moon to see if that has an effect on my body. I write down my level of pain on a scale of 0 to 15 (0 is no pain and 15 is the very worst pain of your life). I also write down exactly where I hurt and if it is burning, stabbing, spasming...what ever weird thing my body is doing.

After two months, I began to see a pattern in my symptoms in relation to the weather. Some days I hurt no matter how nice the weather is but I now know that the barometric pressure has a lot to do with my pain levels and if storms are coming, I do everything that I can to minimize the effects. Your pain diary is a helpful tool for your doctor too. Take it with you to your appointments and let him read through it so he can spot patterns that you may have missed.

In the mean time, I am preparing for tonight's storm by making sure that I have not forgotten to take my medicine and by staying hydrated. I have done some gentle stretching and I have turned on my electric blanket. This storm will pass by mid-morning and a few hours later the extra pain will follow behind it but I will choose kindness no matter how badly I hurt. It made a difference today and I am willing to bet it will be helpful tomorrow too.

Pajamas In Public

I would first like to welcome my Canadian readers. I appreciate you stopping by! Feel free to post in the comments section. I would love to get to know you!

I changed the look of the blog this morning. I liked it before, but it is a new year and I thought that we could all use a little bit of color and nature in our lives. I am a nature girl. Everyday of my life, I am in awe of the beauty of this planet so the new background seems fitting.

I have been thinking about the whole 'pajamas in public' debate and I wanted to talk to you about it to see where you stand. In my mind it is filed under the 'Do not do that!' list. What happened to people having enough integrity to get dressed before leaving the house? I have wondered for quite some time why people feel that it is perfectly all right to do their shopping, go to teacher conferences at their child's school or go anywhere in public wearing last night's pajamas. I decided to read a few different online forums and groups to see what it is that makes people feel that this behavior is acceptable. What I found both surprised and disappointed me.

I am a chronic pain patient, as most of you know, so that is where I started my search. I read a post from a woman who was ranting about the fact that she had received dirty looks from other customers when she had gone to Walmart having not combed her hair, wearing no bra and last night's pajamas. She even bragged about wearing her house slippers to the store and she blamed her lack of dressing on the fact that she has fibromyalgia. She said that she is in pain and therefor should not have to wear regular clothes because her pajamas are comfortable. To my surprise, there were thirty comments from people who not only agreed that it is all right to go out in public dressed that way but that they do it too. They advised the young woman to not concern herself with the dirty looks and wear her pajamas where ever she wanted to.

Just to get a male perspective, I asked my twenty-one year old son and my forty-five year old husband the following question; "When you go to a store or any public place and see someone who has not combed their hair and is wearing their pajamas (if it's a woman, also not wearing a bra) what impression do you get of that person? My husband said ,"You don't see very many men doing that. It's mostly women who do not respect themselves." That statement surprised me. At first, I thought it was harsh but then my son gave me his view.

My son said, "When I see someone dressed like that in public, all it tells me is they are sloppy and lazy and don't respect themselves. Mama, even if it was Meghan Fox, I would pass her by because if she can't bother to even get dressed, she isn't going anywhere in life." While their views may sound harsh, they have a valid point.

I have been a chronic pain patient for many years. I have FMS, CMP, CFS, HS, SS and we are trying to determine if Raynaud's is also a factor. I am a walking alphabet of pain but you will never catch me out in public wearing my pajamas. If I am at home and really not feeling well, then I might lounge around in my pajamas but most days, even if I have no place to go, I get dressed.

I am going to make my bed and get dressed so that I will be ready for what ever life brings me each day. By deliberately 'Showing up to my own life', I am better able to fight all of the illnesses that attempt to bring me down each day. I am not going to allow my quality of life to slip through my fingers because I would rather use my pain as an excuse to give up.

A huge number of pain patients are told that it is all right to just give up. It is never said in those words, it is said in giving each other permission to wallow in their pain and depression. It is conveyed in the attitude that  if you are in pain or dealing with anything hard, it is all right to not get dressed, not clean your house, not exercise at all because that might hurt. It is in the myth that if you are in pain or dealing with depression or a major life change that you are no longer required to show up to your own life. You get a free pass to lay on the couch in your pajamas and immerse yourself in misery until you die -and it's all right because there are others that you have found online that are doing the same thing and they told you it is just fine. Misery loves company and that company helps to breed more misery.

Having a chronic illness isn't a free pass to give up. Gentle stretching, even though it hurts in the beginning, helps as you get used to doing it. The body was made to move. Movement is healing. Even if you can only tolerate three minutes and work up to five. You have to start somewhere. Getting dressed gives your mind and spirit a boost and when you get a compliment, it gives the ego a boost too. It is so important to grab hold of the smallest things that make you feel even a tiny bit better. Getting dressed causes the mind to expect a little more activity each day. Soon you find that once you have gotten dressed, you begin to look forward to the day.

I was told to give up. I was labeled as being disabled. There is no cure on the horizon for all that has gone wrong in my body but I don't want to give up on my life. I only get one and though I know that finding ways to accomplish my goals while dealing with unrelenting pain is always going to be a challenge, it is more important to me to meet those challenges and find ways to overcome them so that I can live a happy, fulfilling life.

I recently went to the grocery store while in an extreme amount of pain and a lady had stopped me to ask about my coupon binder. While I stood by the eggs and butter and gave her a lesson in how to organize coupons and match them with sales and her reward card to maximize savings, a small crowd of women gathered around my cart, listening and asking questions. When I was finished, they all thanked me and went on their way but one woman came back and gave me her card. She told me that she really appreciated how friendly and accommodating I had been to total strangers and that she ran a candle business and would like for me to join her team. How amazing is that?

If I had given in to my pain and gone to the store in my pajamas, do you think the first woman would have approached me to ask about couponing? What about the other women? Probably not. I definitely would not have received a job offer on the spot! It doesn't matter how kind or friendly you may be, when you go out in public in your pajamas, you may be missing opportunities to make your life a little better, all because you did not bother to get dressed. How tragic is that?

Are you deliberately showing up to your own life or are you copping out and allowing others to tell you that it's okay to give up? How much do those people care about you if they are giving you permission to be absent from your life?

Showing up to your life is a choice that each of us has to make in our own heart. If you choose to project to others that you no longer care about yourself by going out in public in your pajamas and uncombed hair, then more of the same unhappiness will find you. Is that really what you want? To give up on you?

I don't look sick because I don't want to look sick! I get up, get dressed and show up to my life. I'm the only one who can make my dreams happen. I refuse to allow chronic illness rob me of my goals. Life really is what YOU make it. Your actions or inaction determine where you will be one year from today. Where will you be? On the couch in your pajamas or chasing down your dreams?

For those in chronic pain who want to begin to grab hold of a brighter future by finding ways to lessen the pain everyday, go see my friend Tanya at The Fibromyalgia Five Minute Fitness Challenge on facebook. It doesn't matter if you have fibromyalgia or some other chronic illness. It doesn't matter if you have no illness at all but still need the encouragement and lessons in gentle movement. Just take that first step -it's always the hardest one to take but after that, the rest gets easier.

You will always get out of this life what you put into it. Period. No one can live your life for you. You must get up, get dressed and show up to your life. If you dream of having a great life, chronic pain or not, get up and make it happen! You can do this!

Happy Birthday To Me!

First I would like to say, Welcome to those in Malaysia and Germany who have been reading my little blog! Thank you! I would like to get to know my readers so please feel free to leave comments at the bottom of the posts. I look forward to getting to know you!

Today is my 41st Birthday. I know that there are both men and women who mourn a little at the loss of their youth with each new birthday but I am not one of those people. I am still young and though my body does not always cooperate with me, my mind is eternally young and I have a feeling it always will be. I think that age is just a number. This year my number is 41!

My youngest daughter makes homemade pancakes every year on my birthday. They are absolutely awful! She doesn't want to use the instant pancake mix. She prefers to make them from scratch. She starts with flour and baking powder and then she adds whatever spices smell good to her and which ever spices sound exotic to her then she mixes it all up and cooks them on the outside and leaves them soggy on the inside. This year I think she even put a little bit of soy sauce in them. I have no idea what she used to turn them pink because I am out of food coloring -and that gave me pause, but I ate them with a smile on my face and hoped I would not get sick. :)

She watches me the entire time I am eating to see if I am really enjoying the pancakes and she asks often if they are good. I have learned over the years to just smile really big and pretend that I am eating a gourmet meal because I know that my little girl put her heart and soul into those pancakes and I never want to hurt her feelings when I understand how much love went in to that birthday breakfast. Oh, how I love that little girl!

This is a year of change for me. My children are all most grown and soon they will be stepping out into the world. My job as a full time Mama is all most done. It is time for me to chase down my dreams. I have put them off for two decades so that I could fully devote myself to my husband and children but now it is my turn.

Change does not come easy. I have been purging my life of those people who suck up all of my time. There are those who want me to solve their problems and those who use me for whatever they can get from me. Then there are those who have a constant need for drama and strife in their lives and want to spend hours on end telling me all about it. Those people take up the time that I could be using to chase down my dreams. When I spend all of my time helping these people, I have no time for myself.

I have been actively evaluating my relationships and ending those relationships that are not healthy. It is a difficult process but I feel it really needs to be done if I am to make room for myself in my own life. I need to simplify my world. This is the first step to accomplishing that.

I have been talking to an agent about representing me and my work. We get along very well and seem to be on the same page as far as what I want from my career and what I am and am not willing to do. It seems to be moving right along but we are only talking right now so I don't want to get my hopes up too high. Maybe I will be a best selling author. Maybe I won't, but just finishing the first book and sending it out into the world is a huge win for me. I don't need to be a millionaire to be happy but I do need to finish what I started and continue to do the things that I love to do but have put off for so many years.

I have been waiting for this day to come. It is my new beginning. I know which path to take and I am finally free to walk that path. It's an exciting time in my life! Honestly, I'm not sure who is more excited, me or my husband! He has been asking me to read him each new chapter. He's a little pushy about it sometimes but he says, "I just want to know what happens next." Because of that, I find that I write more so he can have his bed time chapter. I don't want to disappoint him. He's a great motivator.

I know what I am going to do with my new year. What are you going to do? Are you going to reach for a new goal? Chase down a long held dream? I hope that you find what you love and go get it. Your year is going to be exactly what you make of it. Make it good!

The Awful Shoes

Yesterday I reached out to a woman that I have never met and probably never will but I have walked in the same shoes that she is wearing now. She has had to walk further than I in them and I am certain that she would much rather kick them off and run barefoot. I was able to ditch those terrible shoes before they took me to the place that she is in, so my heart breaks for her and I am praying for her miracle.

When our oldest daughter was in the fifth grade, we took her in for a routine tonsillectomy. Her tonsils were huge and had held infection for over a year. She had stopped gaining weight and after talking to and thoroughly checking out the surgeon, we scheduled the surgery. When I say that we thoroughly checked him out, I mean that we checked to see if he had any complaints filed against him ever. We talked to previous patients families that we knew. We found out how many surgeries he had performed and if there had been any complications. We did the leg work but her surgery was anything but routine.

When she woke up in recovery, she was in agony. All she could do was cry and tell us how much she hurt. The staff was confused and told us that it was not normal for her to hurt that badly but they thought it would pass soon. They gave her morphine and antibiotics and after a few more hours, sent us home with her. It struck me that we never saw the surgeon again once she was in recovery. He never came out to talk to us. I later found out that our child was his last surgery of the day and he was in a hurry to catch his flight to Las Vegas for a long overdue vacation.

The next morning after my husband had gone to work, I had made our daughter a bowl of warm broth. I watched her take a couple of bites and then walked back in the kitchen. That's when I heard her scream. I ran back to her and saw blood and massive clots pouring from her mouth. It was like someone had turned on a faucet! I grabbed a towel and rushed her back to the hospital. Her throat had ruptured.

She was taken back into surgery to repair the rupture. She spent the night and we took her home the next morning. That afternoon, her throat ruptured again! This time we had her transferred to a hospital in a larger city by ambulance. The E.M.T.s had given her a barf bag to bleed into. She filled it completely in the 45 minutes it took to get to the hospital.

My husband and I were five minutes behind the ambulance but when we got there, they were all ready prepping her for surgery. A surgeon brought us a form to sign giving our permission to perform a tonsillectomy. He explained that only one half of each tonsil had been removed and if they did not remove the tonsils in their entirety, as well as her adenoids, she would bleed to death in a matter of a few hours.

To say that I was terrified would be an understatement. I had seen the amount of blood that she had lost with each rupture and she was so tiny to begin with. To have a surgeon tell you that your child is bleeding to death.....I hit my knees and I stayed there, begging God to save her life, until the surgeon came back out and told us that she would live.
He said the damage from her botched surgery was so extensive that they could only save one lymph node and they had to cauterize her entire throat from the back of her tongue to the top of her collar bone to stop the bleeding. She remained in the hospital for another four days. I never left her side.

The tissue in her throat would be as delicate as tissue paper for the next two years. We had to be extremely cautious about what she ate until it healed. Sometimes I wish they had taken that last lymph node too because now when she gets sick, it holds all of the infection and causes her pain.

Nailah Winkfield is the Mother of Jahi McMath, an eight year old girl that has been in the news recently because of a botched tonsillectomy. The hospital claims that Jahi is brain dead and yet her heart still beats on its own. Her Mother won the fight to save her from having her ventilator disconnected and has had her moved to a private facility that specializes in traumatic brain injury.
This story hits too close to home for me. If we had not taken our daughter to a different hospital with a better surgeon, she would not be in college today.

I don't have to imagine the fear and desperation that Nailah must be feeling because I have felt it too. I have seen so many horribly ugly comments online about this family that it angers and disappoints me that so many are so heartless. Nailah and Jahi are in the fight of their lives over something that should have been routine. Knowing the details that I do, I can not, for the life of me, understand why they did not take Jahi back into surgery when her throat ruptured.

Like I said before, I have reached out to Nailah just to offer her my love and prayers from one Mother to another. As parents, I believe that we absolutely must support one another -especially in times of crisis. Our children are a gift and I applaud Nailah for fighting so hard for Jahi. I know for a fact that I would have done the very same thing for our daughter regardless of what all of the hateful people in the world have to say about it.

This just re-enforces that we should never judge another person's journey harshly unless we too have had to wear the same shoes. It is my fervent prayer that Nailah gets to kick off those awful shoes very soon and run barefoot with her daughter just like I have been blessed to run with mine.