A Slow Easter

I remember when holidays were exciting and fun. Then I had children. When they were small, I used to get really excited about the holidays and couldn't wait to see the looks on their little faces when they were given their gifts and when they sat down to a huge holiday meal with all of their favorite things.
Now that they are older and all most ready to leave home, that excitement has faded for both them and me. Now holidays are just a whole lot of work and when it is time to sit down and enjoy the family I am just exhausted. Where did the joy go?
I wanted to go to church this morning. In fact, I have wanted to go to church for the past three months! This winter has been one of the worst that I can remember for me. Fibromyalgia is progressive. Usually it progresses slowly but I have CMP on top of it and that progresses much quicker. It took a solid leap forward this winter and most mornings feel like I have been tortured by some sadistic jerk. Our bed is part of the problem. In my humble opinion it is a piece of something that you wouldn't want on the bottom of your shoe.
I like my church. I like the people and our Pastor is a good man. I know he is tired of inviting me to church and me telling him that I want to be there and then I'm a no show. It isn't that I'm not trying. I am. This morning is a good example of what I go through.
I had all these plans for today. Go to church, come home and cook a big Easter meal and enjoy the time God has given me with my family. Didn't happen.
I couldn't get out of bed. Again. I tried but there was a stupid amount of pain. I often say it is STUPID to hurt this much! It has to do with a lot of factors; weather, sleep, the bed...lots of stuff. Point is, it took two pain pills, a prayer and the help of my husband to even get my feet on the floor this morning. By then it was 11 a.m. and church was starting.
I never take two pain pills. Never. I seriously considered just staying in bed but I knew that would just cause more pain and I have a family to take care of, pain or no pain.
So I missed church and then Easter dinner took me an extra long time to cook because I had to keep taking breaks because of the pain so by the time I got dinner on the table it was 6p.m. and everyone was hungry and grouchy. I felt like a failure. It wasn't my best work.
After dinner everyone wanted to watch a movie together but holy cow, I was exhausted. I just wanted to go lay down. But I didn't. I toughed it out. After the movie with the kids, I was so relieved when my husband took pity on me and asked me to go watch t.v. in our bedroom. He knew I was done. He knew I would fall asleep while he watched the news and I think that's why he asked. That's just what I did too. Nap! Gotta love those things.
I hope this isn't a preview of things to come. One dinner should not exhaust me. I want those holidays back when I decorated the whole house and enjoyed cooking the meal. From now on, I'm going to have to do everything in advance while I feel well enough to do it. Then if I am going through a flare like now, it won't be such a chore to get everything ready.
Days like these I really wish there was a cure for Fibro and CMP. They rob you of the joy you should have and replace it with pain, frustration and exhaustion. I'm going to keep fighting it and keep searching for ways to minimize it's impact because this is getting ridiculous!
But for tonight I'm a tired girl. I hope all of you had a wonderful Easter! Pain or not, I am eternally grateful for what Jesus did for me. Without that act of pure love, our lives would be pointless. That is the perfect reason for me to keep pushing forward.

The Amazing Danny! (A.K.A. My Husband)

I looked at the stats tonight and saw that I have had 666 page views this month. Gasp! I HATE that number! Gives me the heebeejeebies! So I decided to go ahead and enter another post. I have been putting it off while I try to figure a few things out. But with the help of my family, I think I have handle on what has been bothering me, even though I don't like the answer.
My husband is an amazing man. He has willingly put up with me for 20 years. Go figure! But I have come to see in these past two weeks that he loves me for who I am and not who he thinks I should be.
I have been wrestling with who I am versus who I am expected to be. I think that, even if it hurts, I am going to be who I am. I'm going to lose some friends over it and that is not something that I wanted but I don't think I can live with myself if I can't be me at all times.
I am a smart ass by nature. I have a dry sense of humor and I'm a bit cynical. I care deeply for people even when they don't care for me. I pray for strangers and lost pets and I'm constantly searching for knowledge. I just want to know things.
With fibromyalgia you tend to forget many of the things you once knew and recent studies suggest that if you don't keep your mind active, you are at greater risk for Alzheimer's disease. I look for things to study. Sometimes it's stupid little stuff like what is WD-40 and why did they invent it, But mostly it's big stuff -well, big to me, like why are we here and what is the truth behind the Christian history and why did the Catholic church try so hard to hide ancient writings?
Once I dove into that mess, I found some crazy surprising things! It led me down roads that I'm still exploring and excited about! So, of course I wanted to share that information with some of my  friends....fatlottagood that did!
You ever get excited about something and someone who you hoped would be excited too comes along with a sharp pin and pops your shiny balloon? That's what happened. Seems I interrupted her online game with my excitement so she couldn't take the time to hear me out - even though I always take time out to listen to her when she needs someone to.
I got to thinking about it and it happens more often than not and not only with that particular friend. My daughter overheard me talking to my husband about it and she said something that struck home...."Mom, your friends don't like you because you know way too much stuff and they don't really want to know it." BAM! Hardcore truth.
She's right. I need new friends. I only have one friend who is interested in the same stuff that I am and doesn't blow me off for something petty. In fact, she never blows me off. She wants to learn from me and I want to learn from her and I really enjoy bouncing ideas off each other. I need more friends like her. People who are comfortable with me being me and comfortable in their own skin.
It hurt when I realized that my daughter is right. Really hurt. Because I recognized it as truth. But then my husband said the greatest thing to me, "I have always been your best friend because I love who you are." Then he kissed me on the forehead.
He and I are a strange couple. I am intellectual and sometimes overly emotional and he is logical and quiet. We compliment each other in many ways. I sometimes don't realize that he sees how deeply certain things bother me and he does his best to make me feel better. Like now, at a time when I am wrestling with who is really a friend and who is not, he steps in and reminds me that my best friend is sitting right beside me. He has been all along.

Starting Over

I have come to realize that sometimes it is necessary to completely rearrange. Just wipe the slate clean and start all over again. I think there are times in life when you realize that things just aren't right and you have to tear it all down and rebuild it so it is right. Now, for some people that could mean renovating a room in their house or changing up their yard or changing out their wardrobe but for me, it means tearing down and rebuilding my little world. It is off kilter and I just don't like it.
For many of my acquaintances I have become that friend. You know the one. The friend that you call if you are bored and have nothing better to do. The one you call to do a little research for you that you don't feel like doing yourself. The one that you make plans with but always end up cancelling when something just a little better comes along. The one who does your favors and listens to your problems but doesn't really cross your mind until you need something else. The friend that you flake because you can and she'll be there the next time you need her.
I have been patient and let it slide with several people for quite some time now. But now I am done.
I am stubborn and sometimes I mistake that stubbornness for loyalty, which is probably why I have put up with it for so long. My husband keeps telling me that friends do not treat each other this way and I have not listened to him. I should have. But let's face it, if I had listened to him I would have had to do something about it sooner and I just didn't want to have to admit it to myself. I hate it when he's right.
So I am purging my life of everyone who treats me this way. You know what? That doesn't leave very many people left. Funnily enough, I am all right with that.
 Everything came to a head this week when I realized just how far I have let this go. I had one of the worst days that I have had in a very long time. My husband had to work late so I couldn't talk to him and my 'friends' sent me to voicemail - as usual, and it dawned on me; I don't treat people this way so why do I allow them to treat me this way?
I know that it was my own fault. People basically suck and will treat you how you allow yourself to be treated. I won't allow myself to be treated this way anymore.
I am always telling people to take responsibility for themselves. I'm taking my own advice. I am going to spend some time by myself and work on the things that I want to accomplish in life and then I am going to slowly but surely surround myself with people who treat me the way that I treat them.
Once I decided to just face this and change it, I felt peaceful about it. That tells me it's all going to be all right.
Change isn't easy. Sometimes it's painful. But in the end, to have a little dignity, it's worth it.

I don't think I introduced myself, did I?

It dawned on me tonight that I never did introduce myself to you. What a dork! My apologies!
My name is Rebecca. I am 40 years old. No last name because I like the illusion of online privacy at least to a small degree. I have lived in Tennessee for close to 8 years now, before then I lived in Oklahoma with my husband of nearly 20 years and our three children. I have a son who is 20, a daughter who is 18 and my baby girl who is 14.
I also have 2 very large dogs, a good Pyrenees (She's not a Great Pyrenees because she is half red healer) and a Pitt Bull/Husky mix whom I think would be my husband if he were human because we adore each other. :)
Brace yourself; I have 6 cats. Not my fault. One, who is 17- he's a ragamuffin. The other five are outside kitties. You see, we live out in the country on 6.5 acres and people really believe if they dump their unwanted pets out here, some nice farmer will take them in. That is not always the case. Sometimes by the time I find them, it is too late and that both breaks my heart and pisses me off.
 The kitties that we have found their way here and what am I gonna do? I can't let them starve! I can't take them to the humane society either because ours is a three day kill shelter. I do not want to be responsible for taking a life. So I feed them and they keep showing up. The latest one is a gorgeous Siamese female who is pregnant and won't let me touch her. Maybe someday she'll trust that if I'm going to feed her, I'm not going to hurt her. I'll give her time.
I am opinionated and I have a big mouth. Just a fact that I accept about myself. I do not try to be ugly to people but I have been told repeatedly since I was a child that I am brutally honest. That confuses me because I don't think there is anything brutal about honesty. I don't like to dance around a subject or sugar coat things because when you do that, people tend to miss the point. I am not politically correct because I think it's dumb to be offended so easily. Truth is truth. Sometimes truth is hard to hear and sometimes truth is enlightening and informative. We can't obtain knowledge from lies and sugar coated truth. So I prefer pure truth.
I don't know everything. Not by a long shot but for my entire life, I have been so hungry for knowledge. I have always wanted to know the who, what , when, where, why and how of just about everything. There is just so much to learn! It's my drug.
When I was a child, my Mother had her children tested. My I.Q. was high back then. It is supposed to diminish as we get older but mine did not. It grew. Sir Isaac Newton and I have the same I.Q. as of two years ago and it isn't because I am so much smarter than anyone else. It is because I am such a curious person. I just want to learn!
I have taught myself to knit, crochet, paint, sculpt, make jewelry, gourmet cook, remodel houses, re purpose furniture, garden and now I'm learning how to farm. I LOVE to create things from scraps!
I am learning all about heirloom seeds and how to collect them from the fruit or veggie, how to store them and start them for the next planting. I am also learning all about cattle and milking goats and making cheese and butter and canning and preserving.
I am big into nutrition because after my heart attack I knew it was time to change course. I want to spoil my grand babies some day!
I am a documentary buff and if my nose isn't buried in a book, I am looking up information online. I love to share that information too. If someone wants to learn something and they come to me, I am so happy to help them learn. It really gives me joy to see someone understand something new and use that information to make a small part of their life better.
I have a heart for the outcasts in this world. People are misunderstood sometimes and those people - teenagers mostly, end up at my house. I feed them, listen to them, offer advice and let them know that once they walk through my front door I am responsible for them and they will obey the rules of my home. No child will leave my home hungry or feeling misunderstood. I know what those things feel like. I was a very misunderstood child. Alot of the kids who come through my door don't have parents that care much about them and it is just heartbreaking.
I am a firm believer in God and Jesus Christ. You can't put me in a box where religion is concerned. I'm not Protestant or Baptist or Catholic or whatever. I am a Christian. Simply put, I believe the Bible and follow it to the best of my ability.
Sometimes, I'm hard to get to know because I tend to sit back and watch a person's actions before deciding if they would be a real friend. But once you get to know me, you find that I have a dry sense of humor and am loyal to a fault. If I consider you my friend, there isn't much I wouldn't do for you.
I'm also a pain in the butt. I have fibromyalgia and chronic myofascial pain and in the mornings I am completely useless and sometimes down right mean before I have enough coffee in my system.
 If you make the mistake of hurting one of my children or a child - or anyone for that matter who is defenseless I will do my best to end you. My temper, in those situations even scares me sometimes.
So, I'm no where near perfect but I do my best to be a good person. I am at a point in my life where I know me well and I like me.
I do want to get to know you. I will share things I have learned and if there is something you want to learn I will be happy to help you. Most of all, I want you to know who you are and like yourself.
So that's me. Now I have introduced myself :)

The skinny on fat

I meant to get this out sooner but I have been down with the flu. The title of this is a bit cliche' I know, but cut me some slack. I still can't breathe out of my own nose!
Fat is not just fat. After my heart attack, I did extensive study to be able to know what to put in my body and what not to. Here is a little about what I found out and now live by. I encourage you to run a search of your own. You might be just as surprised as I was when you find out that what you thought was healthy actually isn't.
There are several kinds of fats and they all fit into two categories -Good and Bad.
Well, there is one that I put in the 'Dear God never eat that!' category but we'll get to that.
Let's get the bad stuff out of the way so we can concentrate on the good.
Bad Fat - Saturated Fat. A saturated fat comes from an animal source. In rare instances does it ever come from a fruit or vegetable and then it is because man has messed with them. You get saturated fat from meat, egg yolks, milk, cheese....anything that came from an animal. Saturated fat builds up in your arteries over time. It starts in childhood. The more you eat, the less you exercise, the more it builds up. It doesn't just build in your veins and arteries, it builds in your waist, hips and thighs too.
Try to keep your saturated fats as low as possible. I, personally, will not eat anything that has 5 Grams or more of saturated fat. 5 grams doesn't seem like a lot but it is to your arteries. It takes 1000mg to make 1 gram. Once you break it down like that, you can see why I am so diligent.
Dear God never eat that fat! - Trans Fat. Trans fat is a killer. Plain and simple. Trans fat comes from hydrogenation. Even if a label doesn't show any trans fat, look for the word 'hydrogenated' in the ingredients. If that word is there, there is trans fat.  By law, if there is less than 1 gram of trans fat in a product, it does not have to be listed. Hydrogenation is a process that forces oxygen into saturated fat. This makes the products shelf life longer and helps to bind the product together. But hydrogenation changes the molecular structure of the saturated fat and in the end, trans fat is one molecule away from being plastic. If it's in your margarine, you might as well eat the tub. Your body can not sweep away trans fat. It sticks to artery walls and builds very quickly. You can get rid of it through a high fiber low fat diet but be prepared to make it a lifestyle. There is no quick way to get rid of trans fat build up without stent surgery. I never, never, never buy or eat anything that says 'hydrogentated' or lists Trans Fat on the label.
Good Fats - Polyunsaturated and monounsaturated- Those are big words so I just look for 'Poly' and 'Mono' on the label. Both of these are plant based fats. They come from fruits, vegetables, nuts and even some grains. Avocados, bananas, peanuts, almonds, olives, all have high amounts of polyunsaturated fats and monounsaturated fats. These two fats are artery cleaners when paired with a high fiber diet. They keep arteries flexible, burn belly fat, make your fingernails and hair strong, boost your immune system, regulate digestion, help regulate diabetes....the benefits go on and on.
Amazingly enough, even though fish is considered a meat, it contains high amounts of these good fats. Taking fish oil capsules also helps keep arteries flexible and drive down triglycerides and cholesterol.
Mom said "Eat your vegetables." She was right. I am not a vegetarian or a vegan. I eat meat. I even hunt it when I can. But the point is, limit the amount of meat you eat. Chicken, fish, turkey, lean pork are low in saturated fat. Red meats tend to be higher but if you limit portion size and eat other kinds of meat during the week, you should be fine.
Eat more fruit, vegetables and whole grains than meats. Limit sugar. Exercise.
This is a 'in a nutshell' article because there really is so much to learn but this will get you started while you go learn about nutrition. If you have any questions, feel free to post them!
Now, I'm going to go blow my nose. Again.

What you don't know can kill you

Kind of a scary title, I know. But it is the absolute truth. What I didn't know really did all most kill me.
On Thanksgiving 2009, I was 36 years old and I had a massive heart attack. I firmly believe that God saved me because I should have died. At the very least, I should have had permanent heart damage but I didn't. As scared as I was, I just trusted that God would take care of me and he did.
Heart disease is the number one killer of women and most of us didn't even know anything was wrong! Literally half of all heart attacks end in death. I'm going to tell you what my symptoms were and what to get checked, even if you don't have symptoms. Then I am going to do a series on what I have learned about nutrition. I really thought I was eating healthy; low fat, low sodium...turns out I was way off base and that lack of knowledge helped to lead me straight into a heart attack.
I had symptoms for a few months before my heart attack but I never realised they were warning signs. Walking uphill with my husband, I would get out of breathe fairly quickly, to the point that I would have to stop and take a rest. I was 50 pounds over weight and I just thought it was because I was so out of shape.
I would tire easily but I attributed that to the fact that I have fibromyalgia.
Sometimes at night, while I would be asleep, I would be woken with the feeling of rocks shooting through my heart. I would also get heartburn for no apparent reason. At the time, I had a high stress job plus a home and three children to take care of so I thought all of these symptoms were from stress.
The night that I had my heart attack, I was crazy stressed. I had worked all day then grocery shopped for last minute Thanksgiving items then I had pies to bake, dressing to make and a house to clean. I made pies until 2 a.m., when I was finished, I laid down and realised that my heart was racing but again, I thought it was stress.
Then the nausea hit and the pain that radiated from my jaw to the center of my back between my shoulder blades and down my left arm just past my elbow. I wasn't sure what was happening at first but then it felt like boulders were shooting through my heart. No more little rocks. These things were trying to break through!
I told my husband to take me to the hospital. I was having a heart attack. He took one look at me and I'll tell ya, I've never seen that man move so fast.
I concentrated on my breathing on the way to the hospital to try to slow my heart rate and I chewed a full strength aspirin.
The hospital staff didn't want to believe I was having a heart attack. Nothing showed on the EKG! It was only when they ran my cardiac enzymes ( a simple blood test) that they were surprised to see that I was indeed having a heart attack that needed immediate surgery. So they transferred me to a better equipped hospital and immediately put two stents in my right coronary artery.
I had a 90% blockage that was long enough to need two stents. The blockage had collapsed. THAT IS a heart attack. When you have a blockage that has grown large enough that it finally collapses and cuts off blood flow to the heart muscle. I also had two other blockages in different parts of my heart. One was 60% blocked. Another was 40% blocked. Those are reversible through diet and medication. They won't stent until a blockage reaches 75%.
As of last year, I have completely reversed the blockages. It can be done. It is a myth when people say that a blockage can't be reversed. I have had my heart thoroughly examined and it is finally clear.
This Thanksgiving will be the 4th year anniversary of my heart attack.  My outlook is good but I want your outlook to be good too.
Have your cholesterol checked. Bring up your HDL (good cholesterol) as much as possible and lower your LDL (Bad cholesterol) as much as possible. MAKE SURE your triglycerides are well below 150. Those are sugars in your blood that like to stick to artery walls. Mine were over 1100!
Start with knowing your numbers! The ones I have told you about are a good start. Exercise. At least 30 minutes a day. We'll do more on nutrition tomorrow. And ladies, get your blood work done even if you don't have a single symptom. Knowing is better than not knowing and finding out the hard way.

A shift in prospective

I have been absent. I apologize. I am both building a business from scratch and dealing with an unusually brutal fibro flare.
I knew that building a business was going to be hard. Learning every law, keeping up with every vendor, accounts payable and receivable while also being responsible for all of the advertising, customer emails, phone calls, new products and orders...all while taking care of my home and family. Well, it's no wonder I went into flare.
For those of you who do not know anything about fibromyalgia, flare is when, for whatever reason, your entire body decides to turn the pain meter up to 10 and then laugh at you until it's good and ready to turn it back down. This is my second week at 10 - and I can handle that. After all of these years, the pain has become more of a nuisance. It's the fibro fog that gets me. The only way I know to explain fibro fog is that feeling of 'walking in a dream' or 'your head is floating' much like when you take cold medicine. Only, you haven't taken any and you can't focus.
The big problem with fibro fog is that is when I tend to lose my balance and fall down. I fell twice this week. My legs just said "You go on and try to walk, honey. Watch this!" and they laughed and laughed and laughed :)
Today has been the worst day, so I'm hoping it is at a peak and is about to let me go. I was so foggy this morning, I literally could not remember what I was supposed to do today! Luckily for me, I had discussed my agenda with my husband last night and he was off work today. So I asked him what it was that I was supposed to do today. He was so loving about it without treating me like a child. He explained to me what I needed to do and then drove me to the various places to get those things done.
I'm starting to notice that he is finally beginning to understand this disease and accommodate me. That makes my life just a little easier.
He is also building my chicken coop on  his days off. I told him I wanted one. Next thing I knew, he was building it! Now- this is coming from a man who took three years to build some shelves that I needed and then only did it when I told him I was going to Walmart to buy them.
There seems to be a shift in prospective here. A welcome one.
I am hoping this flare lifts soon and I will be back to my usual self. Until then, I hope you have some really great days!

Exquisitely Stupid

Appalled. Shocked. Disappointed.
Those are pretty good words to describe my day today.
I have spent months listening to and offering advice to someone who needed a friend. I took time out of most every single day, to the point of putting off getting done important things in my own life to listen to this person. Same problems, different day for months.
I thought we were making some headway. I really thought this person was going to start taking responsibility for her own decisions and start on the road to a better, less drama filled life. Boy was I wrong!
I logged on to facebook this morning and the first thing that was on my homepage was that this person had started a new page. A place to rant and rage against anyone who has ever hurt you. It was a public page where she had decided to lay out all of  the reasons that she felt someone had wronged her - in detail - and invited others to do the same. I was shocked! Who does that?
So yes, I said something about it after reading it.
I thought about all of the time I have wasted these past months and that really irritated me. That along with the immaturity level on that page. I finally realised that you really can't help anyone until they are ready to help themself. Even then, they have to do the work. You can offer advice when someone asks but I now understand that it is unwise to allow someone to take up that amount of your time with no indication that they are doing anything to help themself.
I have said this before but I'm going to say it again....
You are the only person who is responsible for your life. You have a choice in every little thing. When you say 'I did this because YOU made me angry.' That is manipulation. You chose to react in anger. You choose to be offended, happy, sad, angry...any emotion. You choose your actions. You choose to take responsibility for your life and the course you are taking. No one made you do anything. It isn't your parents' fault if you choose to behave badly. Many, many people had awful childhoods and just as many people chose to rise above rather continue to live in a constant state of drama.
Likewise, if a spouse or any other person in your life has hurt you, you get to choose how to handle that situation. Trying to publicly humiliate someone is never going to fix a problem. It will only make things infinitely worse. Alienating the people that you want to work things out with is just the wrong way to go.
At some point in life, we all have to grow up. Part of growing up means taking responsibility for YOU. No one else is going to do it and when you refuse to own the things that you say and do, eventually, you will have no one left to complain to or about.
I know that people don't like to hear that they are the only ones who have to bear the responsibility for their own actions but it is the truth. I am responsible for what I think, feel, say and do. If I make a mistake or behave badly, I am responsible for that too. It is up to me to swallow my pride and make it right.
My life is my responsibility. Knowing that empowers me to build a future that I can be happy in and proud of. Once I understood that, I had some changing to do. It wasn't easy. At times it was even painful, but owning my actions and mistakes and learning from them has made me a better person.
On the other hand, you can choose to act like a spoiled child and blame everyone around you for hurting you, for your life not going in the direction that you wanted, for not providing the things that you want in your life. And do you know what is going to happen? Nothing.
Choosing to live in immaturity, blaming everyone except yourself, making "I can't" your favorite words - is going to get you nothing but the same life you are unhappy with - and that is your choice too.
I believe that each of us deserves to be happy and satisfied in our lives but we have to choose it and work toward it. Getting over ourselves is part of it. Stop tripping over the baggage. Unpack and deal with those things.
Put the work in. You are worth doing whatever it takes to reach your happy and you are the only one who can get you there.
Happiness IS a choice, my friends. Choose it!

Strange Juju

People are strange.
All through history people have tried to find ways to control other people. From what they wear to how they behave to what is acceptable to believe. I think there should be a code of behavior. What is morally and ethically acceptable and what is not. Without that code, there would be complete chaos. Not that we aren't close to that now anyway.
I did not go to church today. Fibromyalgia got the best of me and after falling twice I spent the day in bed watching documentaries and doing research. I watched several documentaries on The Bible and how it came to be. I wanted to know who put it together and how they went about choosing the books that were included. I also wanted to know what was left out and why.
I got my answers. I am not going to put them all here because there is just way too much information to explain. God said to seek out your own salvation. You should do that.
Point is, some of those answers had to do with control. The Romans wanted to control the church and the people. Constantine wanted complete control and wanted to be viewed as Christ on earth. The Pope wanted control, Henry the Eighth wanted control and on and on down through the ages. They all wanted to tell people what to do and when to do it and why to do it and you better get permission to do it first.
 Until The Bible was translated into German, no one knew they could work out their own salvation and have a very personal relationship with Jesus. The control freaks didn't want them to know. But now we do and that is that.
So as I was sitting here thinking about all of this, my daughter came in and told me that at church this morning, part of the sermon had to do with the fact that the world is going to hell because people watch The Walking Dead and vampires and werewolves and play violent video games and listen to certain music.
Guess what? I watch The Walking Dead. Does that mean I am going to hell? Does that mean that I no longer love Jesus or that I am suddenly not a good person? It kinda irritated me that fear was being used to attempt to control what people are watching or listening to.
Ironic, isn't it. Here I am studying this and it walks right into my bedroom.
This is exactly why I tend to question every thing and search out the answers for myself. I happen to know for a fact that Jesus Christ is alive and well. I know him very well. That is not a question for me. But when someone uses 'going to hell' as a means of control rather than show the love of Christ to bring people to the correct path, it irritates the crap out of me. These people want to be on the narrow road. That is why they are in church. They want to learn about Jesus not your opinion of what they should watch on tv.
The road to hell is a wide one, I know. It widens everyday. That is a sad truth. The path to Heaven is a narrow and difficult one. I know that too. I'm walking on it. But let me tell you this; what you watch on tv or listen to on the radio may influence your emotions but it will not send you to hell. Not knowing God the Father and not having a personal relationship with Jesus Christ is what sends you to hell. Your faith is what saves you. FAITH.
Pastor is human. He had an off day. It's forgivable. I straightened out my daughter so no harm, no foul. But here is what I want you to know, YOU are responsible for your soul. Not your pastor, not your friends, not anyone around you. It is up to you to ask questions, pick up your Bible, read it and then search out more answers. It is up to you to walk right up to Jesus and get to know Him. Just like with anyone new that you meet-introduce yourself and then build a relationship. It's on you.
I am not afraid of death. I have a great deal of faith in my Father and where I am heading. I would really like to see you there! You don't have to beat anyone over the head with your  Bible or shoot Bible bullets at anyone to show you are a Christian. You just have to be you and know Him.
None of us are perfect. We're all a little strange. He loves us anyway.

The Soapbox

I have been called many things in my life. Good things and not so good things. One thing I have recognized in myself is that I can be naive. I find myself wanting to give people a chance to show that there is more good than bad in them. Most of the time I get burned. My husband warns me. My son warns me. But still, I hold out until I finally realise that I am giving my time to the wrong person. Again.
I have what some would call an idealistic view of what the world should be. I believe that people should be kind and helpful to one another. At the same time, I believe in being straight with people. I don't sugar coat things and I don't dance around things. If you ask me a question, I give you an answer. Some say that I am too straight forward and it hurts feelings. I don't understand that either. I do my very best to be honest without hurting anyone and I expect honesty in return - even if it does hurt. It is better to know the truth and change your behavior than to have someone lie to you and keep making the same mistakes that are causing problems in your life.
My husband and a few of my friends have pointed out things in my own life that were causing problems. It hurt at the time but it caused me to take a look at myself and change that behavior. I expect that if someone cares for me, they will be honest with me. That is why I allow so few friends to get close to me. Only those I trust the most, those who are honest with me, are allowed into my private life. I've been burned too many times.
I refuse to be politically correct. I think it's stupid. Everyday someone has new word that offends them. Ridiculous. Grow a thicker skin.
We live in such a touchy feely world. You can't say this because it offends this person. You can't do that because it offends someone. You can't be completely honest because it could hurt someones feelings. Paleease! Grow up!
To me, it's very simple; you choose how you react and you choose how you feel. If someone said something that pricked your spirit or had a harsh truth in it and you got mad, you chose to get mad. Just like to choose to be offended or happy or perpetually sad. Everything you do in this life is a choice and you are the only person responsible for your choices. If you don't like the outcome, change your choices. Why is that so hard?
I have taught my children to be responsible for their choices but most adults spend way too much time and energy blaming everyone around them for their choices rather than acknowledging the situation and working to change it. Look at our government. Prime example.
When I was younger I asked God for very few things in order to be truly happy in this life. I asked God to never leave me. He hasn't. I asked for a husband who would love me through good times and bad. God gave me that. I asked for a home where I could put down roots. He gave that to me. Finally I asked for happy, healthy children. He gave me three.
I never needed wealth or fame or anything except a simple life, with simple things. Peace is a main factor in my happiness. I never have and never will understand those who need constant drama to feel alive. I know so many people who either invite drama or create it everyday because they need something to be upset about. I have had my share of drama and when it is going on, all I want to do is get through it as quickly as possible so the peace can come back home.
This sounds like rambling, I know, but I do have a point.... For me, the keys to true happiness are honesty, responsibility -especially responsibility for my own actions and feelings, peace and simplicity. God must be right up in the middle of everything for me.
Love is not shown enough in this world. Too many people mistake kindness for weakness so the kind feel they must stay on guard to keep from being hurt or used. What a sad world we live in!
I have decided to make my little place in this world a kind, honest, helpful, loving, God-filled place that is full of peace. I invite you to decide what kind of person you want to be and have the courage to become that person no matter who it offends. Be the very best you and I believe the very best will seek you out.
I won't tell you it is an easy journey but I will tell you that it is worth it. I am here if you want to share your journey. If not, I will share mine. We're all in this together anyway. Stepping down from my little soapbox now.  Ya'll have a good night.

Boy! What A Day!

There were so many things that went through my head today to include in this post. I am interested in so many different subjects and I am studying so many different things that I want to tell people about. Alas, I couldn't pick a topic. So we'll just run with it tonight and see where it goes.
This morning I read an article about a new filler that beef producers are using to bulk up their cattle a few weeks before sending them to market. Apparently Merck invented a new drug that they intended to use for the treatment of asthma until the FDA deemed it unsafe for humans. One side effect of the drug was that it turned fat into muscle at an alarming rate. Not just any kind of muscle either. The muscles were deformed.
But not wanting to lose money on the project, they decided to use it in beef production and now, by the time the cattle are butchered, they no longer look like a normal bull. One man in the article proudly proclaimed, "Look there! It doesn't even look like a Holstein anymore!" Four major beef producers are now using this drug as a filler in cattle feed and let me tell you, it scares the crap out of me.
GM foods, which we eat everyday, have been banned in several countries. They are known carcinogens and as a result, all cancers are on the rise.
Growth hormones and antibiotics in our meat and milk are affecting how our children grow. Take my daughters for example; they started their menstrual cycles at 11 years old. 50 years ago, most girls didn't start until 14 or 15.  Both of my girls are very large chested and that too, developed at 12 and 13 years old. My youngest walks into a room 30 seconds after her chest does! Not only the physical changes that we see with our eyes but the physical changes that cause my youngest child pain. She has grown in height so much, so fast, her bones hurt her on a nightly basis. Yes, I know, kids have growing pains. But do those growing pains need to be so severe that they bring our children to tears?
The chemicals that are in our food and water, though there to increase production and shelf life are doing us harm.
One study that I recently read said that this will be the first generation to die before their parents because of what we are eating. Now we have a brand new chemical to worry about. What will the long term effects of this stuff be? Will we start growing muscles in odd places? Will we start seeing new deformities in future babies? I'm afraid we will.
CLEAN EATING is my solution. I all ready firmly believe that autoimmune diseases like the two that I have, have everything to do with nutrition. I am planning my garden and greenhouse as we speak. We are clearing part of our land to raise our own grass fed beef and pork and my husband is building our chicken coop.
This is in no way meant to be a 'sky is falling' sort of post. I believe that we can eat very healthy AND keep the budget on track and as we build up the farm that we have always dreamed of, I will keep you posted every step of the way with frugal ideas and tips and tricks, as well as planting ideas and useful information that I learn along the way.
If you ever intended to do the same, now is the time. Heirloom seeds are becomings more difficult to find. There are  ways to live and eat healthy whether you grow your own food or purchase from someone who does.
Don't worry, I'm not going to go off the deep end and start making my own tampons like some of the homesteading sites that I have read. Eeww! I am hoping though, that we can learn how to be self sufficient and I really want to see what the effect of heirloom foods and clean beef will have on my fibromyalgia and CMP. We'll find out!
I would really love any advice that any of you gardeners and farmers have for me. I'll take all the help I can get!
May everyone have a great night and I'll see you tomorrow!