I looked at the stats tonight and saw that I have had 666 page views this month. Gasp! I HATE that number! Gives me the heebeejeebies! So I decided to go ahead and enter another post. I have been putting it off while I try to figure a few things out. But with the help of my family, I think I have handle on what has been bothering me, even though I don't like the answer.
My husband is an amazing man. He has willingly put up with me for 20 years. Go figure! But I have come to see in these past two weeks that he loves me for who I am and not who he thinks I should be.
I have been wrestling with who I am versus who I am expected to be. I think that, even if it hurts, I am going to be who I am. I'm going to lose some friends over it and that is not something that I wanted but I don't think I can live with myself if I can't be me at all times.
I am a smart ass by nature. I have a dry sense of humor and I'm a bit cynical. I care deeply for people even when they don't care for me. I pray for strangers and lost pets and I'm constantly searching for knowledge. I just want to know things.
With fibromyalgia you tend to forget many of the things you once knew and recent studies suggest that if you don't keep your mind active, you are at greater risk for Alzheimer's disease. I look for things to study. Sometimes it's stupid little stuff like what is WD-40 and why did they invent it, But mostly it's big stuff -well, big to me, like why are we here and what is the truth behind the Christian history and why did the Catholic church try so hard to hide ancient writings?
Once I dove into that mess, I found some crazy surprising things! It led me down roads that I'm still exploring and excited about! So, of course I wanted to share that information with some of my friends....fatlottagood that did!
You ever get excited about something and someone who you hoped would be excited too comes along with a sharp pin and pops your shiny balloon? That's what happened. Seems I interrupted her online game with my excitement so she couldn't take the time to hear me out - even though I always take time out to listen to her when she needs someone to.
I got to thinking about it and it happens more often than not and not only with that particular friend. My daughter overheard me talking to my husband about it and she said something that struck home...."Mom, your friends don't like you because you know way too much stuff and they don't really want to know it." BAM! Hardcore truth.
She's right. I need new friends. I only have one friend who is interested in the same stuff that I am and doesn't blow me off for something petty. In fact, she never blows me off. She wants to learn from me and I want to learn from her and I really enjoy bouncing ideas off each other. I need more friends like her. People who are comfortable with me being me and comfortable in their own skin.
It hurt when I realized that my daughter is right. Really hurt. Because I recognized it as truth. But then my husband said the greatest thing to me, "I have always been your best friend because I love who you are." Then he kissed me on the forehead.
He and I are a strange couple. I am intellectual and sometimes overly emotional and he is logical and quiet. We compliment each other in many ways. I sometimes don't realize that he sees how deeply certain things bother me and he does his best to make me feel better. Like now, at a time when I am wrestling with who is really a friend and who is not, he steps in and reminds me that my best friend is sitting right beside me. He has been all along.
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