The 'D' Word

I have come to realize that sometimes our best is just not good enough. That's a sobering thought. I am not someone who gives up easily. I tend to fight for what I want and for those who can not fight for themselves. My older sister once called me a pittbull. She had told someone that if they did not leave her alone, she would let her pittbull off the chain (meaning me) and they would be sorry they messed with her. I own a pittbull. I know how tenacious they can be. I just never looked at myself that way.

My younger sister has called me a Mama polar bear on many occasions. She said that a polar bear won't start a fight but if you mess with her or God forbid, her cubs, she'll end that fight in a hurry and you won't know what hit you unless you are lucky enough to regain consciousness. I suppose that is true about me when it comes to my children, but again, it's strange to be compared to such a powerful creature. Especially when lately I have been feeling so helpless.

I think that when we fall in love, we refuse to see our partner's flaws. Actually, it has been scientifically proven that for the first year in a relationship, there is a chemical reaction in our brains that prevent us from acknowledging our partner's flaws unless those flaws damage us in some meaningful way. After that first year, love is a choice. You see those flaws and you either acknowledge them, you choose not to see them, or you see them, accept them (and if you're smart you work to change those flaws) and make the choice to love that person anyway.

For the first sixteen years of my marriage, I chose not to see those flaws. I, like my husband's mother, had convinced myself that my husband knew what he was doing, even if he refused to explain those choices, he had his reasons for making the decisions that he made. There have been a few times that he and I went to war with each other but in the end, I always took every bit of the blame both because I idolized him and didn't want people to doubt him and because I chose love. I didn't care what anyone thought of me. That was not the important thing to my mind. What was important was his reputation. I did not want anyone to question him. Period. If anyone said anything remotely negative about him, they would deal with me. I was very protective of him, no matter what it cost me.

In our sixteenth year he knocked himself off his pedestal. It crashed to the ground, never to be re-built. The love didn't go away but the trust did. There are many reasons I did not leave. One - I'm not a quitter. I understood why he fell and I thought that if we worked together, we could evict the elephant in the room. Two- I grew up in turmoil. There was always a new husband. The children were welcome depending on whether or not the new husband wanted the children around and it was just a very confusing, abusive situation. I did not want confusion for my children. I am not one to jump from man to man to man. I did, however, want my children raised with both of their parents in a stable, loving home. I was not going to be my mother. Three- if I left, I had more to lose than just my husband. His parents are the only parents I have ever known. I didn't want to lose his family. His nieces are my nieces. His Mother taught me more about life and love than my own mother probably ever knew existed. His Daddy, well, his Daddy was the best man on the planet. He was a man who could see right to the heart of a situation and he helped me in ways that he took to his grave. I can only be grateful to have had these people in my life.

We are entering our twenty first year together. It will be our last. For the past four and half years we have had good moments but those moments are few and far between. The rest has been a quick slide down a dark hole. I don't do well with darkness. It is now affecting our children and I can not allow that to happen any longer.

Sometimes, people change so drastically that you no longer know who they are or maybe those things were there all along and you refused to see them. Either way, you can't keep feeding the elephant and expect there to be enough room for a healthy relationship. We have decided that I will move as soon as I can buy a home that is equal to what our family is accustomed too. We aren't going to be deliberately ugly about it. We will do our best to part company on good enough terms that we can remain friends and not harm our children any further. It's the best thing that we can do.

For some of our friends and relatives, this news will come as a shock. Others will say that they saw it coming. What it comes down to is this; you just get the one life. You can live it in misery if you choose. You can live it according to what others think you should do or you can love yourself enough to know when it is time to find happiness. There will always be a deep rooted love between my husband and I. You can't spend twenty years with someone and not love them. I want to see him happy and healthy and I want the same for me and our children.

So there you have it. I don't know what the future holds for me but I do know that I am looking forward to it. My husband will be free to live in what ever way pleases him and I will be free to finish raising our youngest child while chasing down my dreams.

Just to squash the rumors before they get started, I have no intention of dating until our youngest daughter graduates high school. She has four more years at home and I want them to be happy years not confusing years. She deserves all of my attention. My husband will more than likely date but it is his life and if that makes him happy, then he should be allowed to be happy.

It is sad that one story has to end before we can start a new book but at the same time, it's a blank page and I get to write it! We weren't meant to be miserable. We weren't meant to be shackled to a life that slowly kills the soul in order to be accepted by those who advise us to just stick it out. I refused to leave my marriage until I knew in my heart that I had given it all I had. I have done that. Love is not always enough. Stubbornness and tenacity is not enough. Deliberately blinding yourself to the things that hurt you is just stupidity. Love is hanging on but at times, it is also letting go. When you absolutely know that letting go will open the door to happiness for both of you, that is real love. It doesn't have to be ugly. It just has to be. So now you know.