Learning To Duck

This past month I was thrown another curve ball. You'd think I'd learn to duck once in a while. This one came from left field and I didn't see it coming. I didn't even expect it. So it knocked me down and I decided to stay there for a while. By myself. I didn't want my friends around. Obviously I can't escape my husband but I haven't said anything to our children and I don't intend to.
Sometimes, when you get knocked off your feet, it feels good to just lay there for a while looking up at the sky and saying 'Enough. I'm done.' That is exactly what I have been doing. Just hanging around in the dirt, wanting to be left alone while I feel sorry for myself.
A few weeks ago, my doctor told me that my cmp has progressed faster than he thought it would. There is nothing that can be done about it. There is no treatment because myofascia has it's own nervous system and it is not fully understood but what is understood is that when the damage is severe enough, it not only does not heal but when you add fibro to it - with fibro doing it's daily damage - the myofascia damage spreads. It is spreading faster than we thought it would and he said something to me that turned out to be a fast curve from left field. 'You may as well get used to the idea that you are disabled and it will only progress as you get older.' BAM! He said I am disabled.
Other people have said that word to me before and I politely ignored them because I AM NOT DAMNIT! But when my doctor, who has been a great doctor to me, said that word and used it in a way that he was trying to convey to me that it is time to accept the inevitable, well, I like looking up at the sky for now.
At first, I felt sorry for myself. I know there are a lot of things that I could do a year ago but no longer have the strength to do but I am determined to regain that strength if I have to spend two hours a day in the gym. I am only 40 years old for crying out loud!
Then I got angry and started looking for someone to blame. I took a hell of a lot of beatings as a child and that is what damaged my myofascia in the first place. The Fibro was passed down the line from my Grandmother to my Mother to me and I pray often that I did not pass it to my daughters.
It wasn't long before I realized that I can't change the past and this is just something I have to face now, so I decided to face it alone. I didn't want my friends pitying me or telling me it would all be ok because I hate pity and it is not going to be ok. I am not ok with it at all.
I am now at a place of tenuous acceptance. I accept that I have these two autoimmune diseases. I accept that there is no conventional cure. I do not accept that there is nothing I can do about it and I do not accept that I am disabled. There are still plenty of things that I can do and I will do whatever it takes to regain some of what I have lost.
First I need to get my happy back. I need to start doing the things that I love again, so tomorrow I'm going to do just that. Mostly though, I have to get rid of this anger. I am still angry that my Mothers' poor choices in husbands has had life long effects for me. It can't be changed, I know, but it still makes me angry and that makes me hard to be around right now. I don't like how I have been feeling. It's toxic and it has to stop. Enough is enough.
I guess sometimes, your past really does come back to bite you. You just have to learn to let it go and that is the hard part. I think it's time to open the door and let the people I love back in instead of pushing them away. Maybe we are not meant to deal with the really hard stuff all alone.
Tomorrow, I'm closing the door to the anger and self pity and opening it to happiness and forgiveness. Maybe that is how we  learn to duck those curve balls. Through the joy of those that God has placed in our lives. The sky is pretty but the ground is too hard to stay down for too long.