Getting Back To You

I have been having several small breakthroughs in my little world lately. They are all of a deeply personal nature. Small things that I have never noticed about myself until I started paying more attention to me than to everyone around me. Tonight I had that one big epiphany that caused me to literally stop in my tracks and say, "You knew that all along. You just never acknowledged it out loud." The best way I can describe it is like seeing cracks appear in a concrete wall. The wall has been solid for years. It has also been in your way, preventing you from moving forward. Now there are hundreds of cracks in that wall, some large enough to allow sunlight to peak through. Any moment now, the whole thing is going to fracture and fall and you will pick your way through the rubble and move forward.

Here is what I know about me; I could easily become a recluse. Other than the company of my children, I rarely crave human interaction in a face to face encounter. I have friends online. I talk to them often but at the same time, I realized this week that I am comfortable enough in my own skin that I very often prefer to spend my time all by myself. I know me and I like me. How many people in this world can say that? How many can say in all honesty, "I enjoy my own company." and truly mean it?

I have also discovered another truth about myself that deep down I have always known but pushed aside in order to take care of everyone around me; I was born to create. I am extremely unhappy if I am not creating something. It can be a new piece of jewelry, a mud pot, a quilt, a piece of knitting, a new chapter in my book....it doesn't matter what it is. I feel as though I have accomplished nothing at the end of the day if I have not created something or at the very least, drawn up a pattern for what I intend to create tomorrow. I am an artist.

It isn't a hobby. It is what I am. That truth feels like more than truth, yet it is a truth that I have not allowed myself to hold true to. There are many reasons that I have pushed me aside; Being a dutiful wife, Motherhood and just the effort that is required to keep day to day life from becoming a hopeless mess leaves no time for me. How many of us push our true selves aside for the very same reasons?

Something under my feet has shifted recently and changed my perspective. While I watch the wall in front of me begin to crumble, I am beginning to give myself permission to be me. Not everyone around me is happy with this shift. There are those who don't want to see me as anything except who they expect me to be. Those are the people who built the wall. There will always be people telling us that we can't. It doesn't really matter anymore though, does it? It's too late. I have seen the rays of sunshine pouring through the cracks. I can't unsee what has been seen and I don't want to.

I see a future filled to overflowing with books, sparkling beads, custom furniture, red clay pots, quilts, jewelry and most of all, peace. While I will make a conscious effort to not become completely reclusive, it is so incredibly easy for me to get lost in all of the creativity. Yet, I do intend to get lost in it. I have a sneaking suspicion that once I make my way through the rubble, whether others like it or not, I will have discovered something important that right now, is just out of reach but has been waiting for me for years.

I'll get there. My dining room table is currently covered in sparklies of all shapes and sizes. I am moving forward slowly but surely. How many of us realize one day that we are not being true to who we are inside? How often do we set aside our dreams in order to keep our day to day lives in perfect order or to take care of those around us?

Ask yourself this question: When is it your turn? Now answer yourself honestly. Is it when the kids grow up or when you have helped to make your spouse's dreams come true? Is it when you have saved enough for retirement or when you have met some other goal? Or is it now?