A Slow Easter

I remember when holidays were exciting and fun. Then I had children. When they were small, I used to get really excited about the holidays and couldn't wait to see the looks on their little faces when they were given their gifts and when they sat down to a huge holiday meal with all of their favorite things.
Now that they are older and all most ready to leave home, that excitement has faded for both them and me. Now holidays are just a whole lot of work and when it is time to sit down and enjoy the family I am just exhausted. Where did the joy go?
I wanted to go to church this morning. In fact, I have wanted to go to church for the past three months! This winter has been one of the worst that I can remember for me. Fibromyalgia is progressive. Usually it progresses slowly but I have CMP on top of it and that progresses much quicker. It took a solid leap forward this winter and most mornings feel like I have been tortured by some sadistic jerk. Our bed is part of the problem. In my humble opinion it is a piece of something that you wouldn't want on the bottom of your shoe.
I like my church. I like the people and our Pastor is a good man. I know he is tired of inviting me to church and me telling him that I want to be there and then I'm a no show. It isn't that I'm not trying. I am. This morning is a good example of what I go through.
I had all these plans for today. Go to church, come home and cook a big Easter meal and enjoy the time God has given me with my family. Didn't happen.
I couldn't get out of bed. Again. I tried but there was a stupid amount of pain. I often say it is STUPID to hurt this much! It has to do with a lot of factors; weather, sleep, the bed...lots of stuff. Point is, it took two pain pills, a prayer and the help of my husband to even get my feet on the floor this morning. By then it was 11 a.m. and church was starting.
I never take two pain pills. Never. I seriously considered just staying in bed but I knew that would just cause more pain and I have a family to take care of, pain or no pain.
So I missed church and then Easter dinner took me an extra long time to cook because I had to keep taking breaks because of the pain so by the time I got dinner on the table it was 6p.m. and everyone was hungry and grouchy. I felt like a failure. It wasn't my best work.
After dinner everyone wanted to watch a movie together but holy cow, I was exhausted. I just wanted to go lay down. But I didn't. I toughed it out. After the movie with the kids, I was so relieved when my husband took pity on me and asked me to go watch t.v. in our bedroom. He knew I was done. He knew I would fall asleep while he watched the news and I think that's why he asked. That's just what I did too. Nap! Gotta love those things.
I hope this isn't a preview of things to come. One dinner should not exhaust me. I want those holidays back when I decorated the whole house and enjoyed cooking the meal. From now on, I'm going to have to do everything in advance while I feel well enough to do it. Then if I am going through a flare like now, it won't be such a chore to get everything ready.
Days like these I really wish there was a cure for Fibro and CMP. They rob you of the joy you should have and replace it with pain, frustration and exhaustion. I'm going to keep fighting it and keep searching for ways to minimize it's impact because this is getting ridiculous!
But for tonight I'm a tired girl. I hope all of you had a wonderful Easter! Pain or not, I am eternally grateful for what Jesus did for me. Without that act of pure love, our lives would be pointless. That is the perfect reason for me to keep pushing forward.