This past month I was thrown another curve ball. You'd think I'd learn to duck once in a while. This one came from left field and I didn't see it coming. I didn't even expect it. So it knocked me down and I decided to stay there for a while. By myself. I didn't want my friends around. Obviously I can't escape my husband but I haven't said anything to our children and I don't intend to.
Sometimes, when you get knocked off your feet, it feels good to just lay there for a while looking up at the sky and saying 'Enough. I'm done.' That is exactly what I have been doing. Just hanging around in the dirt, wanting to be left alone while I feel sorry for myself.
A few weeks ago, my doctor told me that my cmp has progressed faster than he thought it would. There is nothing that can be done about it. There is no treatment because myofascia has it's own nervous system and it is not fully understood but what is understood is that when the damage is severe enough, it not only does not heal but when you add fibro to it - with fibro doing it's daily damage - the myofascia damage spreads. It is spreading faster than we thought it would and he said something to me that turned out to be a fast curve from left field. 'You may as well get used to the idea that you are disabled and it will only progress as you get older.' BAM! He said I am disabled.
Other people have said that word to me before and I politely ignored them because I AM NOT DAMNIT! But when my doctor, who has been a great doctor to me, said that word and used it in a way that he was trying to convey to me that it is time to accept the inevitable, well, I like looking up at the sky for now.
At first, I felt sorry for myself. I know there are a lot of things that I could do a year ago but no longer have the strength to do but I am determined to regain that strength if I have to spend two hours a day in the gym. I am only 40 years old for crying out loud!
Then I got angry and started looking for someone to blame. I took a hell of a lot of beatings as a child and that is what damaged my myofascia in the first place. The Fibro was passed down the line from my Grandmother to my Mother to me and I pray often that I did not pass it to my daughters.
It wasn't long before I realized that I can't change the past and this is just something I have to face now, so I decided to face it alone. I didn't want my friends pitying me or telling me it would all be ok because I hate pity and it is not going to be ok. I am not ok with it at all.
I am now at a place of tenuous acceptance. I accept that I have these two autoimmune diseases. I accept that there is no conventional cure. I do not accept that there is nothing I can do about it and I do not accept that I am disabled. There are still plenty of things that I can do and I will do whatever it takes to regain some of what I have lost.
First I need to get my happy back. I need to start doing the things that I love again, so tomorrow I'm going to do just that. Mostly though, I have to get rid of this anger. I am still angry that my Mothers' poor choices in husbands has had life long effects for me. It can't be changed, I know, but it still makes me angry and that makes me hard to be around right now. I don't like how I have been feeling. It's toxic and it has to stop. Enough is enough.
I guess sometimes, your past really does come back to bite you. You just have to learn to let it go and that is the hard part. I think it's time to open the door and let the people I love back in instead of pushing them away. Maybe we are not meant to deal with the really hard stuff all alone.
Tomorrow, I'm closing the door to the anger and self pity and opening it to happiness and forgiveness. Maybe that is how we learn to duck those curve balls. Through the joy of those that God has placed in our lives. The sky is pretty but the ground is too hard to stay down for too long.
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Thursday, April 4, 2013
The Fibro Fairy and I Don't Get Along
I have been asked many times what it is like to have fibromyalgia. I have lots of analogies to help people understand in a nutshell but it's different for everyone. I think you first have to understand the very basics about the disease.
Fibromyalgia is an autoimmune disease that lives in your spinal fluid. Living there gives it access to you entire nerve network as well as your muscles and your immune system. It's also a bully. It never shows up alone. It always brings a friend. For some it's IBS. For others it's migraine or another autoimmune disease. It actually has around 90 different friends it can team up with to kick your butt on a daily basis. With me, it brought cmp - chronic myofascial pain. CMP is a tough opponent all by itself and in my case I think I was diagnosed backward. CMP is not an immune response initially. CMP comes from repeated physical trauma. Fibromyalgia is hereditary, passed from Mother to child. Usually Mother to daughter.
Now, don't go thinking my husband beats me. He doesn't. My childhood was a slow walk through a special part of hell and I was badly injured while working in a nursing home in my early 20's. CMP and Fibro work hand in hand to knock me down daily. They didn't realize how stubborn I am. I keep getting back up.
This past winter the getting up has been harder. Pain with fibro varies from being stabbed all over with an ice pick to intense muscle spasms that stop you in your tracks to feeling like someone poured a layer of gasoline in the space between your muscles and skin, all over your entire body and then lit it on fire.
The longer it goes uncontrolled, the more hyper-sensitive to pain you become. The other day, I very lightly stubbed my pinkie toe. It should not have hurt at all but it dropped me. Pain shot straight up my leg, into my stomach making me nauseous and I just sat on the floor clenching my teeth until it passed. It really made me mad because that just should not have hurt at all! I often think it's stupid to hurt this badly. I bruise easily, which irritates my husband because he knows that each bruise was agony initially and I didn't tell him about it and let him hug me like a child. It's a really irritating disease.
Those of us with chronic pain have become experts in medications and nutrition. It becomes a quest to find ways to drastically minimize the effects so we can live semi-normal lives. I have become a clean eating proponent because I know how much it helps me. I refuse the new medications because they are dangerous. I go old school. But sometimes, like tonight, it doesn't matter what medications you have in your arsenal or how well you are eating or exercising, sometimes your the windshield. Tonight I'm the bug. No sleep for me. The pain is too great. Sleep is a battle with fibro anyway. I can not fall asleep without help. No sleep means no R.E.M. No R.E.M. sleep means no healing from today's assault on my body which means tomorrows assault will have a cumulative effect and the pain will be worse and then I will hurt too much to sleep tomorrow night and the cycle will continue until I finally just pass out from exhaustion. Then the worst part of it will ensue....fibrofog. I HATE fibrofog. That is when you can not remember what you were supposed to be doing, where you put your coffee cup (knowing you just set it down), feeling like you are sleep walking through your day. My family often tells me that I will tell them the same thing two or three times a day during fibrofog. Well, that's because something important popped into my head that you needed to know and I honestly don't remember telling you the last two times. And hey, if I'm saying the same thing over and over and can't remember doing it, at least you know I'm not lying to you! :)
Fibrofog and fibromyalgia mess with your short term memory. You transfer short term memories to long term memories during R.E.M. sleep. Without sleep and then add fibrofog, you lose those short term memories. I can only remember major events from my childhood and I have lost much of my children's childhoods. That is why we take so many pictures so I can trigger those memories and they won't be forever lost to me.
I am extremely fortunate in that I have a husband and children who understand what is happening to me and help without offending me. They don't treat me as an invalid. We handle it with humor and they gently guide me to help me remember things like where did I put my list of things to do today? I am a list maker. I sit down at night while my mind is clear and write down all that I need to do the next day. My big challenge is not losing that list!
Fibrofog comes and goes. It's awful during a flare, which I am currently going through. But while I may not be able to get out of bed because of pain in the morning, I know that it will subside and life will keep moving. Most of all, I know that no matter how bad the flare ups get, I am one blessed woman because I have a family who understands and loves me. My son said 'God Mom. It must suck to be you." Ummm not so much. Some things suck and I would like to punch the fibro fairy in the throat but other than that, I'm good. I consider myself to be one of the lucky ones.
Too many people with this disease are not understood even in their own households. They are left feeling desperately alone. It's an awful thing to hear about. Like I said, I am blessed. I might be in a daily battle and I might get knocked down. But by God's good grace, a loving family and the extra large dose of stubbornness that I was born with, I'll get through this and I will enjoy my life in the process.
There is a whole lot more to fibro and cmp but now you have a solid view of what daily life is like. So if you know someone with fibromyalgia or any autoimmune disease, cut them some slack. They didn't ask for this and they are doing combat every single day just to stay on their feet. They are not their disease. In fact, they are probably the strongest people you will ever meet. I know. A lot of them are my friends and I am awed by them.
If you want to know more, there is plenty on the web and I will be talking about it from time to time as it aggravates the tar out of me. But if you have questions, feel free to ask. I do not mind a bit. In the meantime, I hope you are all sound asleep! :)
Fibromyalgia is an autoimmune disease that lives in your spinal fluid. Living there gives it access to you entire nerve network as well as your muscles and your immune system. It's also a bully. It never shows up alone. It always brings a friend. For some it's IBS. For others it's migraine or another autoimmune disease. It actually has around 90 different friends it can team up with to kick your butt on a daily basis. With me, it brought cmp - chronic myofascial pain. CMP is a tough opponent all by itself and in my case I think I was diagnosed backward. CMP is not an immune response initially. CMP comes from repeated physical trauma. Fibromyalgia is hereditary, passed from Mother to child. Usually Mother to daughter.
Now, don't go thinking my husband beats me. He doesn't. My childhood was a slow walk through a special part of hell and I was badly injured while working in a nursing home in my early 20's. CMP and Fibro work hand in hand to knock me down daily. They didn't realize how stubborn I am. I keep getting back up.
This past winter the getting up has been harder. Pain with fibro varies from being stabbed all over with an ice pick to intense muscle spasms that stop you in your tracks to feeling like someone poured a layer of gasoline in the space between your muscles and skin, all over your entire body and then lit it on fire.
The longer it goes uncontrolled, the more hyper-sensitive to pain you become. The other day, I very lightly stubbed my pinkie toe. It should not have hurt at all but it dropped me. Pain shot straight up my leg, into my stomach making me nauseous and I just sat on the floor clenching my teeth until it passed. It really made me mad because that just should not have hurt at all! I often think it's stupid to hurt this badly. I bruise easily, which irritates my husband because he knows that each bruise was agony initially and I didn't tell him about it and let him hug me like a child. It's a really irritating disease.
Those of us with chronic pain have become experts in medications and nutrition. It becomes a quest to find ways to drastically minimize the effects so we can live semi-normal lives. I have become a clean eating proponent because I know how much it helps me. I refuse the new medications because they are dangerous. I go old school. But sometimes, like tonight, it doesn't matter what medications you have in your arsenal or how well you are eating or exercising, sometimes your the windshield. Tonight I'm the bug. No sleep for me. The pain is too great. Sleep is a battle with fibro anyway. I can not fall asleep without help. No sleep means no R.E.M. No R.E.M. sleep means no healing from today's assault on my body which means tomorrows assault will have a cumulative effect and the pain will be worse and then I will hurt too much to sleep tomorrow night and the cycle will continue until I finally just pass out from exhaustion. Then the worst part of it will ensue....fibrofog. I HATE fibrofog. That is when you can not remember what you were supposed to be doing, where you put your coffee cup (knowing you just set it down), feeling like you are sleep walking through your day. My family often tells me that I will tell them the same thing two or three times a day during fibrofog. Well, that's because something important popped into my head that you needed to know and I honestly don't remember telling you the last two times. And hey, if I'm saying the same thing over and over and can't remember doing it, at least you know I'm not lying to you! :)
Fibrofog and fibromyalgia mess with your short term memory. You transfer short term memories to long term memories during R.E.M. sleep. Without sleep and then add fibrofog, you lose those short term memories. I can only remember major events from my childhood and I have lost much of my children's childhoods. That is why we take so many pictures so I can trigger those memories and they won't be forever lost to me.
I am extremely fortunate in that I have a husband and children who understand what is happening to me and help without offending me. They don't treat me as an invalid. We handle it with humor and they gently guide me to help me remember things like where did I put my list of things to do today? I am a list maker. I sit down at night while my mind is clear and write down all that I need to do the next day. My big challenge is not losing that list!
Fibrofog comes and goes. It's awful during a flare, which I am currently going through. But while I may not be able to get out of bed because of pain in the morning, I know that it will subside and life will keep moving. Most of all, I know that no matter how bad the flare ups get, I am one blessed woman because I have a family who understands and loves me. My son said 'God Mom. It must suck to be you." Ummm not so much. Some things suck and I would like to punch the fibro fairy in the throat but other than that, I'm good. I consider myself to be one of the lucky ones.
Too many people with this disease are not understood even in their own households. They are left feeling desperately alone. It's an awful thing to hear about. Like I said, I am blessed. I might be in a daily battle and I might get knocked down. But by God's good grace, a loving family and the extra large dose of stubbornness that I was born with, I'll get through this and I will enjoy my life in the process.
There is a whole lot more to fibro and cmp but now you have a solid view of what daily life is like. So if you know someone with fibromyalgia or any autoimmune disease, cut them some slack. They didn't ask for this and they are doing combat every single day just to stay on their feet. They are not their disease. In fact, they are probably the strongest people you will ever meet. I know. A lot of them are my friends and I am awed by them.
If you want to know more, there is plenty on the web and I will be talking about it from time to time as it aggravates the tar out of me. But if you have questions, feel free to ask. I do not mind a bit. In the meantime, I hope you are all sound asleep! :)
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
The Moral Compass
I am grateful for my family. I am grateful that I have been blessed to be a Mother and raise the amazing people that my children have become. Yesterday I realized that my job is far from finished. Two of my children may be considered legal adults but they are still children. They are still naïve and have difficulty in trying to see the bigger picture rather than only focusing on what is right in front of them.
Yesterday I had to open my oldest daughter's eyes a bit wider and she didn't like it. At all. But in the end, she understood and I'm hoping she will take that lesson into the future and draw on it when it happens again. It will happen again.
It got me thinking; most of the population sees the world the way my daughter does. 'Sure bad things happen. But it isn't my fault and I can't stop it and as long as it doesn't happen in my little world, I'll be sad for the people for a whole minute and move on. That's just the way the world is.'
WRONG! When did I fail to teach her this stuff? Fail on my part! It irritated the crap out of me!
It started with her telling me how sad and unexpected Shain Gandee's death is. The star of some show called Buckwild - I actually had to Google it and read about the show and the players to understand what she was talking about. Basically, yet another reality show star gone wrong.
My daughter thought it was so very sad that this boy had died and she talked about how it was so unexpected and awful. She did not expect my reaction.
Yes it is sad. Yes it is awful. But unexpected? Nope. Should have seen it coming. And guess what? Everyone who watched that show is partially responsible for what happened to him.
We used to prize wisdom, goodness and wholesomeness. We used to promote family values and having a strong sense of right from wrong. Not anymore.
Now we tell 20 somethings that they are invincible and that if they will get sloppy drunk, use drugs, party like idiots, get D.U.I.'s, cop assault charges, have sex with random people, get pregnant and not know who the daddy is - and allow America to watch you do these things on T.V., we will not only pay you big money for it, you will be rich and famous!
Look at the cast of Jersey Shore. Look at Honey Booboo's family. Read the news reports on these idiots. And yes, if you are watching these shows to get a laugh, you are directly responsible for it when they get so drunk that they don't realize the cab of their truck is filling with carbon monoxide and they die. When they overdose, when they act like they have no common decency whatsoever, it is your fault for watching and sending the message that it is perfectly all right to destroy yourself because as long as we are entertained, you get paid.
If there was no big payday for you to act that way, you most likely would not take it to extremes to entertain the masses. Even if you acted that way on your own, you might have the hope of coming to your senses one day and growing up. Sadly, a lot of these kids never get to grow up because they kill themselves trying to top the last idiotic thing they did so the next episode will get good ratings.
Their poor Mothers. To lose a child that way is unthinkable to me. To know it was encouraged by thousands of people must tear away a part of your soul as a parent.
Once I explained it to my daughter and she got over being mad at me, she actually thought about what I said and told me that I was right. She just never would have thought of things that way.
Let me tell you something: Everything you do affects someone else in some way. Whether it is a T.V. show or smiling at a stranger in the grocery store. Try to affect someone else in a positive manner. Do unto others what you would have them do unto you. If you want someone to root on your childs' destruction, go on and watch those types of shows.
This world is what people want it to be. Nothing is going to change until we change it. Turning the channel will eventually stop the death of another Mother's child. Lesson learned.
Ya'll have a good night and if you are a parent, hold your children tight. We only have them for a little while.
Yesterday I had to open my oldest daughter's eyes a bit wider and she didn't like it. At all. But in the end, she understood and I'm hoping she will take that lesson into the future and draw on it when it happens again. It will happen again.
It got me thinking; most of the population sees the world the way my daughter does. 'Sure bad things happen. But it isn't my fault and I can't stop it and as long as it doesn't happen in my little world, I'll be sad for the people for a whole minute and move on. That's just the way the world is.'
WRONG! When did I fail to teach her this stuff? Fail on my part! It irritated the crap out of me!
It started with her telling me how sad and unexpected Shain Gandee's death is. The star of some show called Buckwild - I actually had to Google it and read about the show and the players to understand what she was talking about. Basically, yet another reality show star gone wrong.
My daughter thought it was so very sad that this boy had died and she talked about how it was so unexpected and awful. She did not expect my reaction.
Yes it is sad. Yes it is awful. But unexpected? Nope. Should have seen it coming. And guess what? Everyone who watched that show is partially responsible for what happened to him.
We used to prize wisdom, goodness and wholesomeness. We used to promote family values and having a strong sense of right from wrong. Not anymore.
Now we tell 20 somethings that they are invincible and that if they will get sloppy drunk, use drugs, party like idiots, get D.U.I.'s, cop assault charges, have sex with random people, get pregnant and not know who the daddy is - and allow America to watch you do these things on T.V., we will not only pay you big money for it, you will be rich and famous!
Look at the cast of Jersey Shore. Look at Honey Booboo's family. Read the news reports on these idiots. And yes, if you are watching these shows to get a laugh, you are directly responsible for it when they get so drunk that they don't realize the cab of their truck is filling with carbon monoxide and they die. When they overdose, when they act like they have no common decency whatsoever, it is your fault for watching and sending the message that it is perfectly all right to destroy yourself because as long as we are entertained, you get paid.
If there was no big payday for you to act that way, you most likely would not take it to extremes to entertain the masses. Even if you acted that way on your own, you might have the hope of coming to your senses one day and growing up. Sadly, a lot of these kids never get to grow up because they kill themselves trying to top the last idiotic thing they did so the next episode will get good ratings.
Their poor Mothers. To lose a child that way is unthinkable to me. To know it was encouraged by thousands of people must tear away a part of your soul as a parent.
Once I explained it to my daughter and she got over being mad at me, she actually thought about what I said and told me that I was right. She just never would have thought of things that way.
Let me tell you something: Everything you do affects someone else in some way. Whether it is a T.V. show or smiling at a stranger in the grocery store. Try to affect someone else in a positive manner. Do unto others what you would have them do unto you. If you want someone to root on your childs' destruction, go on and watch those types of shows.
This world is what people want it to be. Nothing is going to change until we change it. Turning the channel will eventually stop the death of another Mother's child. Lesson learned.
Ya'll have a good night and if you are a parent, hold your children tight. We only have them for a little while.
Monday, April 1, 2013
Was That Funny?
So....it's April Fool's Day and I thought I might be able to fool my children. I knew my husband wasn't going to fall for anything but my kids are gullible enough. :)
I told them I had gone to the doctor today because I had been feeling strange and guess what??? We're pregnant!
My youngest daughter got crazy happy! She was laughing and asking when the baby would be here and how did this happen - which just got me laughing because I'm sarcastic and I thought of about fifty ways to answer that little question!
My oldest daughter got doe eyed and started crying. She was just so happy for me because she knows how badly I have wanted another baby for the past 14 years. The big alligator tears rolled down her face and she was honestly over joyed for me!
My son, however, went into protection mode; 'Mom! This is a bad idea. You are 40. You have had a heart attack. You have fibromyalgia and cmp and you hurt all the time and you've had a lot of miscarriages. How are you gonna get through this?'
WOW! ummm...April fools?
My youngest daughter was disappointed that she wasn't getting a younger sibling. My oldest daughter got mad and threw the newspaper on the ground and my son says, 'Oh! Thank God!'
Ok, so now we know...pregnancy is not a joke with my kids! Think I'll skip the April fools next year! Geeze!
I am hoping this flare goes away soon. I still have my daughters' graduation to deal with. I haven't even found the invitations that I want and she graduates in a month! I'm not procrastinating. I just can not find the design I was looking for. I have to get on the ball and plan her party, get the invites out and get ready for her to head off to college.
I am not looking forward to it. I have two children leaving home this summer. I will have one child in the house and that time will fly by too. In four years, there will be no children in the house and that makes me sad. I am happy to see them start their lives but I have been a full time Mother for so long, it will be a huge change for me. We shall see how well I handle it.
I hope everyone has had a nice April 1st. It was a beautiful day here. I think spring has finally sprung. God bless you all and a special blessing to a special little girl who turned 18 today. If you are reading this sweetheart, Happy Birthday. I love you and I am proud of the young woman you are becoming. Now, go snuggle with your Mama. 18 is grand for you but for us Mama's, 18 is a hard pill to swallow. Let her know you love her. She has loved you with her whole being for your whole life and that is never going to change. You will always be her baby no matter how old you are! Happy Birthday Darlin!
I told them I had gone to the doctor today because I had been feeling strange and guess what??? We're pregnant!
My youngest daughter got crazy happy! She was laughing and asking when the baby would be here and how did this happen - which just got me laughing because I'm sarcastic and I thought of about fifty ways to answer that little question!
My oldest daughter got doe eyed and started crying. She was just so happy for me because she knows how badly I have wanted another baby for the past 14 years. The big alligator tears rolled down her face and she was honestly over joyed for me!
My son, however, went into protection mode; 'Mom! This is a bad idea. You are 40. You have had a heart attack. You have fibromyalgia and cmp and you hurt all the time and you've had a lot of miscarriages. How are you gonna get through this?'
WOW! ummm...April fools?
My youngest daughter was disappointed that she wasn't getting a younger sibling. My oldest daughter got mad and threw the newspaper on the ground and my son says, 'Oh! Thank God!'
Ok, so now we know...pregnancy is not a joke with my kids! Think I'll skip the April fools next year! Geeze!
I am hoping this flare goes away soon. I still have my daughters' graduation to deal with. I haven't even found the invitations that I want and she graduates in a month! I'm not procrastinating. I just can not find the design I was looking for. I have to get on the ball and plan her party, get the invites out and get ready for her to head off to college.
I am not looking forward to it. I have two children leaving home this summer. I will have one child in the house and that time will fly by too. In four years, there will be no children in the house and that makes me sad. I am happy to see them start their lives but I have been a full time Mother for so long, it will be a huge change for me. We shall see how well I handle it.
I hope everyone has had a nice April 1st. It was a beautiful day here. I think spring has finally sprung. God bless you all and a special blessing to a special little girl who turned 18 today. If you are reading this sweetheart, Happy Birthday. I love you and I am proud of the young woman you are becoming. Now, go snuggle with your Mama. 18 is grand for you but for us Mama's, 18 is a hard pill to swallow. Let her know you love her. She has loved you with her whole being for your whole life and that is never going to change. You will always be her baby no matter how old you are! Happy Birthday Darlin!
Sunday, March 31, 2013
A Slow Easter
I remember when holidays were exciting and fun. Then I had children. When they were small, I used to get really excited about the holidays and couldn't wait to see the looks on their little faces when they were given their gifts and when they sat down to a huge holiday meal with all of their favorite things.
Now that they are older and all most ready to leave home, that excitement has faded for both them and me. Now holidays are just a whole lot of work and when it is time to sit down and enjoy the family I am just exhausted. Where did the joy go?
I wanted to go to church this morning. In fact, I have wanted to go to church for the past three months! This winter has been one of the worst that I can remember for me. Fibromyalgia is progressive. Usually it progresses slowly but I have CMP on top of it and that progresses much quicker. It took a solid leap forward this winter and most mornings feel like I have been tortured by some sadistic jerk. Our bed is part of the problem. In my humble opinion it is a piece of something that you wouldn't want on the bottom of your shoe.
I like my church. I like the people and our Pastor is a good man. I know he is tired of inviting me to church and me telling him that I want to be there and then I'm a no show. It isn't that I'm not trying. I am. This morning is a good example of what I go through.
I had all these plans for today. Go to church, come home and cook a big Easter meal and enjoy the time God has given me with my family. Didn't happen.
I couldn't get out of bed. Again. I tried but there was a stupid amount of pain. I often say it is STUPID to hurt this much! It has to do with a lot of factors; weather, sleep, the bed...lots of stuff. Point is, it took two pain pills, a prayer and the help of my husband to even get my feet on the floor this morning. By then it was 11 a.m. and church was starting.
I never take two pain pills. Never. I seriously considered just staying in bed but I knew that would just cause more pain and I have a family to take care of, pain or no pain.
So I missed church and then Easter dinner took me an extra long time to cook because I had to keep taking breaks because of the pain so by the time I got dinner on the table it was 6p.m. and everyone was hungry and grouchy. I felt like a failure. It wasn't my best work.
After dinner everyone wanted to watch a movie together but holy cow, I was exhausted. I just wanted to go lay down. But I didn't. I toughed it out. After the movie with the kids, I was so relieved when my husband took pity on me and asked me to go watch t.v. in our bedroom. He knew I was done. He knew I would fall asleep while he watched the news and I think that's why he asked. That's just what I did too. Nap! Gotta love those things.
I hope this isn't a preview of things to come. One dinner should not exhaust me. I want those holidays back when I decorated the whole house and enjoyed cooking the meal. From now on, I'm going to have to do everything in advance while I feel well enough to do it. Then if I am going through a flare like now, it won't be such a chore to get everything ready.
Days like these I really wish there was a cure for Fibro and CMP. They rob you of the joy you should have and replace it with pain, frustration and exhaustion. I'm going to keep fighting it and keep searching for ways to minimize it's impact because this is getting ridiculous!
But for tonight I'm a tired girl. I hope all of you had a wonderful Easter! Pain or not, I am eternally grateful for what Jesus did for me. Without that act of pure love, our lives would be pointless. That is the perfect reason for me to keep pushing forward.
Now that they are older and all most ready to leave home, that excitement has faded for both them and me. Now holidays are just a whole lot of work and when it is time to sit down and enjoy the family I am just exhausted. Where did the joy go?
I wanted to go to church this morning. In fact, I have wanted to go to church for the past three months! This winter has been one of the worst that I can remember for me. Fibromyalgia is progressive. Usually it progresses slowly but I have CMP on top of it and that progresses much quicker. It took a solid leap forward this winter and most mornings feel like I have been tortured by some sadistic jerk. Our bed is part of the problem. In my humble opinion it is a piece of something that you wouldn't want on the bottom of your shoe.
I like my church. I like the people and our Pastor is a good man. I know he is tired of inviting me to church and me telling him that I want to be there and then I'm a no show. It isn't that I'm not trying. I am. This morning is a good example of what I go through.
I had all these plans for today. Go to church, come home and cook a big Easter meal and enjoy the time God has given me with my family. Didn't happen.
I couldn't get out of bed. Again. I tried but there was a stupid amount of pain. I often say it is STUPID to hurt this much! It has to do with a lot of factors; weather, sleep, the bed...lots of stuff. Point is, it took two pain pills, a prayer and the help of my husband to even get my feet on the floor this morning. By then it was 11 a.m. and church was starting.
I never take two pain pills. Never. I seriously considered just staying in bed but I knew that would just cause more pain and I have a family to take care of, pain or no pain.
So I missed church and then Easter dinner took me an extra long time to cook because I had to keep taking breaks because of the pain so by the time I got dinner on the table it was 6p.m. and everyone was hungry and grouchy. I felt like a failure. It wasn't my best work.
After dinner everyone wanted to watch a movie together but holy cow, I was exhausted. I just wanted to go lay down. But I didn't. I toughed it out. After the movie with the kids, I was so relieved when my husband took pity on me and asked me to go watch t.v. in our bedroom. He knew I was done. He knew I would fall asleep while he watched the news and I think that's why he asked. That's just what I did too. Nap! Gotta love those things.
I hope this isn't a preview of things to come. One dinner should not exhaust me. I want those holidays back when I decorated the whole house and enjoyed cooking the meal. From now on, I'm going to have to do everything in advance while I feel well enough to do it. Then if I am going through a flare like now, it won't be such a chore to get everything ready.
Days like these I really wish there was a cure for Fibro and CMP. They rob you of the joy you should have and replace it with pain, frustration and exhaustion. I'm going to keep fighting it and keep searching for ways to minimize it's impact because this is getting ridiculous!
But for tonight I'm a tired girl. I hope all of you had a wonderful Easter! Pain or not, I am eternally grateful for what Jesus did for me. Without that act of pure love, our lives would be pointless. That is the perfect reason for me to keep pushing forward.
Saturday, March 30, 2013
The Amazing Danny! (A.K.A. My Husband)
I looked at the stats tonight and saw that I have had 666 page views this month. Gasp! I HATE that number! Gives me the heebeejeebies! So I decided to go ahead and enter another post. I have been putting it off while I try to figure a few things out. But with the help of my family, I think I have handle on what has been bothering me, even though I don't like the answer.
My husband is an amazing man. He has willingly put up with me for 20 years. Go figure! But I have come to see in these past two weeks that he loves me for who I am and not who he thinks I should be.
I have been wrestling with who I am versus who I am expected to be. I think that, even if it hurts, I am going to be who I am. I'm going to lose some friends over it and that is not something that I wanted but I don't think I can live with myself if I can't be me at all times.
I am a smart ass by nature. I have a dry sense of humor and I'm a bit cynical. I care deeply for people even when they don't care for me. I pray for strangers and lost pets and I'm constantly searching for knowledge. I just want to know things.
With fibromyalgia you tend to forget many of the things you once knew and recent studies suggest that if you don't keep your mind active, you are at greater risk for Alzheimer's disease. I look for things to study. Sometimes it's stupid little stuff like what is WD-40 and why did they invent it, But mostly it's big stuff -well, big to me, like why are we here and what is the truth behind the Christian history and why did the Catholic church try so hard to hide ancient writings?
Once I dove into that mess, I found some crazy surprising things! It led me down roads that I'm still exploring and excited about! So, of course I wanted to share that information with some of my friends....fatlottagood that did!
You ever get excited about something and someone who you hoped would be excited too comes along with a sharp pin and pops your shiny balloon? That's what happened. Seems I interrupted her online game with my excitement so she couldn't take the time to hear me out - even though I always take time out to listen to her when she needs someone to.
I got to thinking about it and it happens more often than not and not only with that particular friend. My daughter overheard me talking to my husband about it and she said something that struck home...."Mom, your friends don't like you because you know way too much stuff and they don't really want to know it." BAM! Hardcore truth.
She's right. I need new friends. I only have one friend who is interested in the same stuff that I am and doesn't blow me off for something petty. In fact, she never blows me off. She wants to learn from me and I want to learn from her and I really enjoy bouncing ideas off each other. I need more friends like her. People who are comfortable with me being me and comfortable in their own skin.
It hurt when I realized that my daughter is right. Really hurt. Because I recognized it as truth. But then my husband said the greatest thing to me, "I have always been your best friend because I love who you are." Then he kissed me on the forehead.
He and I are a strange couple. I am intellectual and sometimes overly emotional and he is logical and quiet. We compliment each other in many ways. I sometimes don't realize that he sees how deeply certain things bother me and he does his best to make me feel better. Like now, at a time when I am wrestling with who is really a friend and who is not, he steps in and reminds me that my best friend is sitting right beside me. He has been all along.
My husband is an amazing man. He has willingly put up with me for 20 years. Go figure! But I have come to see in these past two weeks that he loves me for who I am and not who he thinks I should be.
I have been wrestling with who I am versus who I am expected to be. I think that, even if it hurts, I am going to be who I am. I'm going to lose some friends over it and that is not something that I wanted but I don't think I can live with myself if I can't be me at all times.
I am a smart ass by nature. I have a dry sense of humor and I'm a bit cynical. I care deeply for people even when they don't care for me. I pray for strangers and lost pets and I'm constantly searching for knowledge. I just want to know things.
With fibromyalgia you tend to forget many of the things you once knew and recent studies suggest that if you don't keep your mind active, you are at greater risk for Alzheimer's disease. I look for things to study. Sometimes it's stupid little stuff like what is WD-40 and why did they invent it, But mostly it's big stuff -well, big to me, like why are we here and what is the truth behind the Christian history and why did the Catholic church try so hard to hide ancient writings?
Once I dove into that mess, I found some crazy surprising things! It led me down roads that I'm still exploring and excited about! So, of course I wanted to share that information with some of my friends....fatlottagood that did!
You ever get excited about something and someone who you hoped would be excited too comes along with a sharp pin and pops your shiny balloon? That's what happened. Seems I interrupted her online game with my excitement so she couldn't take the time to hear me out - even though I always take time out to listen to her when she needs someone to.
I got to thinking about it and it happens more often than not and not only with that particular friend. My daughter overheard me talking to my husband about it and she said something that struck home...."Mom, your friends don't like you because you know way too much stuff and they don't really want to know it." BAM! Hardcore truth.
She's right. I need new friends. I only have one friend who is interested in the same stuff that I am and doesn't blow me off for something petty. In fact, she never blows me off. She wants to learn from me and I want to learn from her and I really enjoy bouncing ideas off each other. I need more friends like her. People who are comfortable with me being me and comfortable in their own skin.
It hurt when I realized that my daughter is right. Really hurt. Because I recognized it as truth. But then my husband said the greatest thing to me, "I have always been your best friend because I love who you are." Then he kissed me on the forehead.
He and I are a strange couple. I am intellectual and sometimes overly emotional and he is logical and quiet. We compliment each other in many ways. I sometimes don't realize that he sees how deeply certain things bother me and he does his best to make me feel better. Like now, at a time when I am wrestling with who is really a friend and who is not, he steps in and reminds me that my best friend is sitting right beside me. He has been all along.
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Starting Over
I have come to realize that sometimes it is necessary to completely rearrange. Just wipe the slate clean and start all over again. I think there are times in life when you realize that things just aren't right and you have to tear it all down and rebuild it so it is right. Now, for some people that could mean renovating a room in their house or changing up their yard or changing out their wardrobe but for me, it means tearing down and rebuilding my little world. It is off kilter and I just don't like it.
For many of my acquaintances I have become that friend. You know the one. The friend that you call if you are bored and have nothing better to do. The one you call to do a little research for you that you don't feel like doing yourself. The one that you make plans with but always end up cancelling when something just a little better comes along. The one who does your favors and listens to your problems but doesn't really cross your mind until you need something else. The friend that you flake because you can and she'll be there the next time you need her.
I have been patient and let it slide with several people for quite some time now. But now I am done.
I am stubborn and sometimes I mistake that stubbornness for loyalty, which is probably why I have put up with it for so long. My husband keeps telling me that friends do not treat each other this way and I have not listened to him. I should have. But let's face it, if I had listened to him I would have had to do something about it sooner and I just didn't want to have to admit it to myself. I hate it when he's right.
So I am purging my life of everyone who treats me this way. You know what? That doesn't leave very many people left. Funnily enough, I am all right with that.
Everything came to a head this week when I realized just how far I have let this go. I had one of the worst days that I have had in a very long time. My husband had to work late so I couldn't talk to him and my 'friends' sent me to voicemail - as usual, and it dawned on me; I don't treat people this way so why do I allow them to treat me this way?
I know that it was my own fault. People basically suck and will treat you how you allow yourself to be treated. I won't allow myself to be treated this way anymore.
I am always telling people to take responsibility for themselves. I'm taking my own advice. I am going to spend some time by myself and work on the things that I want to accomplish in life and then I am going to slowly but surely surround myself with people who treat me the way that I treat them.
Once I decided to just face this and change it, I felt peaceful about it. That tells me it's all going to be all right.
Change isn't easy. Sometimes it's painful. But in the end, to have a little dignity, it's worth it.
For many of my acquaintances I have become that friend. You know the one. The friend that you call if you are bored and have nothing better to do. The one you call to do a little research for you that you don't feel like doing yourself. The one that you make plans with but always end up cancelling when something just a little better comes along. The one who does your favors and listens to your problems but doesn't really cross your mind until you need something else. The friend that you flake because you can and she'll be there the next time you need her.
I have been patient and let it slide with several people for quite some time now. But now I am done.
I am stubborn and sometimes I mistake that stubbornness for loyalty, which is probably why I have put up with it for so long. My husband keeps telling me that friends do not treat each other this way and I have not listened to him. I should have. But let's face it, if I had listened to him I would have had to do something about it sooner and I just didn't want to have to admit it to myself. I hate it when he's right.
So I am purging my life of everyone who treats me this way. You know what? That doesn't leave very many people left. Funnily enough, I am all right with that.
Everything came to a head this week when I realized just how far I have let this go. I had one of the worst days that I have had in a very long time. My husband had to work late so I couldn't talk to him and my 'friends' sent me to voicemail - as usual, and it dawned on me; I don't treat people this way so why do I allow them to treat me this way?
I know that it was my own fault. People basically suck and will treat you how you allow yourself to be treated. I won't allow myself to be treated this way anymore.
I am always telling people to take responsibility for themselves. I'm taking my own advice. I am going to spend some time by myself and work on the things that I want to accomplish in life and then I am going to slowly but surely surround myself with people who treat me the way that I treat them.
Once I decided to just face this and change it, I felt peaceful about it. That tells me it's all going to be all right.
Change isn't easy. Sometimes it's painful. But in the end, to have a little dignity, it's worth it.
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