Murphy's Law has ruled my world for the past week. If it could go wrong, it did. If I thought it couldn't go wrong, well, it did.
It started with me trying to find some quiet time to work. The only quiet time in my house is when everyone else is sleeping. I stayed up very late two nights in a row and knocked out a whole lot of work but I also managed to re-set my body clock. That is an easy thing to do with fibro considering that many of us find it difficult to fall asleep in the first place.
By the third night I was ready to sleep like a normal person. That didn't happen. Sleep flat out refused to visit me. The fourth day I was so exhausted, I decided to not even take a cat nap. That way I would just fall right to sleep that night. Mother nature had other plans. She brought in such a painful cold front that I didn't sleep the fifth day either. I finally gave in to an afternoon nap because by then I was so cranky, I couldn't stand to talk to me anymore - and that's saying something! But guess what happens when you take a late afternoon nap? Yup! No sleep that night either.
I finally broke out the sleeping pills that I am usually too afraid of to take. By then I was desperate. Those tiny little pills promise that if you will take just one for three to four nights in a row, you will re-set your body clock and go to sleep on a normal schedule. They lied.
An hour and a half after that first sleeping pill, I decided to count sheep but after a while, my sheep started dressing up in hats and pearls and wearing lipstick. Before long, they were break dancing and I thought it was so funny I laughed out loud and woke my husband. So I changed tactics. I visualized lying on a floating bed in the middle of the ocean just letting the waves rock me to sleep. Do you feel the warm breeze kissing your skin as your body rocks gently on the waves? Can you smell the salted air? Did you feel that? Ya, me too. Damn whale just spit water all over us! So I got up and swept the floors.
I took a nap this morning. It is now 4:02 A.M. and obviously I will not sleep tonight. Not sleeping at night directly affects how horribly Murphy and his stupid law will impact my days. So far this week I have gotten no work finished. Started, yes. Finished? Nope. The laundry is done and the house is clean but that's about it.
Instead, I have been trying to track down the current owners of a property that I want to buy but I keep hitting dead ends. I got into a very loud conversation with my doctor; a man whom I normally have nothing but praise for. My youngest child is doing her best this week to see just how far she can bend the rules before Mommy snaps and my wonderful husband seems to be going through a manstrual cycle that has my nerves twisted into a pretzel. I have a list of work to start and finish that is literally as long as my arm and it all hinges on whether or not my body will finally give in to sleep and release me from Mr. Murphy.
Guess what just happened? My browser suddenly stopped working and closed the page while I was typing. I was so relieved to find that blogger did its job and automatically saved this to draft. I do believe that it is time to have a knock down, drag out with Mr. Murphy and I had better go do it now before his stupid law closes the page again.
In the end, all any of us can really do is smile and get through the day. I will get the work finished and eventually, I will go to sleep for an entire week. I love you guys! Do your best to avoid Mr. Murphy. He's got a strange sense of humor.
Friday, January 31, 2014
Thursday, January 23, 2014
How did you do that?
I did it again. I worked all through the night. I was so caught up in writing that I did not realize just how fast the time was flying by....until my daughter's alarm clock went off. Scared me half to death! 5a.m. came fast and yuppers! I'm gonna pay for staying up all night again. I'm not always the brightest bulb in the box when it comes to managing my fibro. I do know better. I just get really tired of fibro interfering in my life. It isn't going to let me stubborn myself to death much longer. I will have to pay the fibro fairy dearly for staying up all night again. If I'm lucky, when she pays me a visit this morning, I can catch her, strangle her and bury her in the backyard and we'll all be better off! :) A girl can dream.
I have gotten quite a few emails from people wanting to know how I lost the weight and reversed heart disease. I will tell you what I did but only if you first understand that each body is different and what works for one person does not necessarily work for everyone.
After the stents were put in, I had a lot of chest pain for over a year (they forgot to tell me that would happen) so I took my exercise program slow. I started with walking. We live in the country so I would take my dogs for a 30 minute walk. I started with three times a week for a month and then added a day each week after that until I was up to 7 days a week. I did not start off with brisk walking either. Just a stroll until I felt comfortable stepping up the pace.
I bought a pedometer and started setting a step count. I began with 2,000 steps. Seriously, that sounds like a lot but you would be amazed at how fast you reach that goal just cleaning your house and running your errands. I added steps at 500 step increments until I was up to 10,000 steps a day. That final number was my cardiologist's suggestion. 10,000 steps equals five miles. I just starting walking to our church and back. Viola'! 5 miles. If I can't walk outside, I have a Tony Little Gazelle in my den and get my steps in that way.
The more I exercise, the less I hurt, that is, unless I exercise until I hurt and then the fibro fairy pays me a visit and exercise is reduced to gentle stretching. Stretching! I highly recommend it! Stopping to gently stretch through out the day not only keeps your muscles limber, it keeps your arteries flexible. You want your arteries to stay flexible. Hardened arteries collect plaque. Plaque builds until it ruptures and cuts off the blood flow to your heart. 50% of first time heart attacks end in death. Stretching is our friend!
Exercise combined with a healthy eating plan is what helped me to drop the fifty-five pounds that I did not want. I never have counted calories or invested in one of the many weight loss guru's plans. I don't doubt that they help many people but I am a researcher so that is where I turned. I learned the difference between good fats and bad fats. I found out how much of each we are supposed to ingest everyday and I took the bad fat number and cut it in half. If the Saturated fats are more than 5 grams per serving, I won't eat it. If it has Trans fat, I don't even bother to buy it. That is extreme for some people but I had just had a heart attack and I don't intend to have another so I have stuck with severely restricting bad fats. You would be surprised at what is really in your food. Learn to read labels.
I cut sugar out all together and moved to Stevia. Cutting out sugar gave me a headache for two days but now I can not eat sweets without getting sick all most right away. My body does not want the sugar. Stevia is 300 times sweeter than sugar so I use less, it can be used in baking just the same as sugar and your body does not react to it the way it does to sugar. No blood sugar spikes and no high triglycerides.
I also drink a dose of Metamucil everyday. My Cardiologist (and my research after he told me this) said that the pills are not as effective as the powder. The powder doesn't taste good but, down it real quick and it's done and over with. Metamucil helps in several ways. Not only does it help to sweep away plaque that has settled in your arteries, it helps you to feel full for several hours so that you avoid mindless snacking. It also keeps your bowels healthy and regular. Just make sure to drink plenty of water through out the day to help it move through your system.
I also cut way back on red meat and now make sure that we eat much more fish and chicken. I bake or broil the meat 90% of the time rather than fry it. Fruit, veggies and whole grains make up the majority of my diet now and if I want a snack, I either grab a handful of almonds or I make a smoothie with Greek non-fat yogurt, coconut milk and whatever fruit I am in the mood for.
The real key is this....never tell yourself that you can not have something if you really, really want it! When I deny myself that something that I really want, I find that I want it even more and if I berate myself for indulging, I just end up feeling guilty. When you feel guilty, you start to believe that you have failed when you didn't! If I want a piece of chocolate once a month, then I have a piece of chocolate. I no longer want the whole chocolate bar because my body can not handle the sugar but a bite or two satisfies that craving.
Becoming healthy is about more than reaching a goal weight. It is a life style change and a change in your relationship with food. Eating healthy does not have to be a bland diet full of restrictions and hunger pangs. There are plenty of websites with super healthy recipes that my whole family loves. It also doesn't have to be expensive. Many times eating a healthy meal at home is more cost effective than running out for fast food.
Like I said before, the way that I did it may not work for everyone. I never counted calories and I did not join a weight loss program but if you feel that you need the support of a program, go for it! There are plenty of support groups on facebook and twitter where you will be able to connect with those who are walking down the same road and are very supportive of one another.
It all comes down to what you want. You are the only person who can take the first step to becoming a healthier, more energetic person. I think you will find that once you have taken the first step, there will be plenty of people who are willing to help guide you. I wish you a healthy, happy life!
I have gotten quite a few emails from people wanting to know how I lost the weight and reversed heart disease. I will tell you what I did but only if you first understand that each body is different and what works for one person does not necessarily work for everyone.
After the stents were put in, I had a lot of chest pain for over a year (they forgot to tell me that would happen) so I took my exercise program slow. I started with walking. We live in the country so I would take my dogs for a 30 minute walk. I started with three times a week for a month and then added a day each week after that until I was up to 7 days a week. I did not start off with brisk walking either. Just a stroll until I felt comfortable stepping up the pace.
I bought a pedometer and started setting a step count. I began with 2,000 steps. Seriously, that sounds like a lot but you would be amazed at how fast you reach that goal just cleaning your house and running your errands. I added steps at 500 step increments until I was up to 10,000 steps a day. That final number was my cardiologist's suggestion. 10,000 steps equals five miles. I just starting walking to our church and back. Viola'! 5 miles. If I can't walk outside, I have a Tony Little Gazelle in my den and get my steps in that way.
The more I exercise, the less I hurt, that is, unless I exercise until I hurt and then the fibro fairy pays me a visit and exercise is reduced to gentle stretching. Stretching! I highly recommend it! Stopping to gently stretch through out the day not only keeps your muscles limber, it keeps your arteries flexible. You want your arteries to stay flexible. Hardened arteries collect plaque. Plaque builds until it ruptures and cuts off the blood flow to your heart. 50% of first time heart attacks end in death. Stretching is our friend!
Exercise combined with a healthy eating plan is what helped me to drop the fifty-five pounds that I did not want. I never have counted calories or invested in one of the many weight loss guru's plans. I don't doubt that they help many people but I am a researcher so that is where I turned. I learned the difference between good fats and bad fats. I found out how much of each we are supposed to ingest everyday and I took the bad fat number and cut it in half. If the Saturated fats are more than 5 grams per serving, I won't eat it. If it has Trans fat, I don't even bother to buy it. That is extreme for some people but I had just had a heart attack and I don't intend to have another so I have stuck with severely restricting bad fats. You would be surprised at what is really in your food. Learn to read labels.
I cut sugar out all together and moved to Stevia. Cutting out sugar gave me a headache for two days but now I can not eat sweets without getting sick all most right away. My body does not want the sugar. Stevia is 300 times sweeter than sugar so I use less, it can be used in baking just the same as sugar and your body does not react to it the way it does to sugar. No blood sugar spikes and no high triglycerides.
I also drink a dose of Metamucil everyday. My Cardiologist (and my research after he told me this) said that the pills are not as effective as the powder. The powder doesn't taste good but, down it real quick and it's done and over with. Metamucil helps in several ways. Not only does it help to sweep away plaque that has settled in your arteries, it helps you to feel full for several hours so that you avoid mindless snacking. It also keeps your bowels healthy and regular. Just make sure to drink plenty of water through out the day to help it move through your system.
I also cut way back on red meat and now make sure that we eat much more fish and chicken. I bake or broil the meat 90% of the time rather than fry it. Fruit, veggies and whole grains make up the majority of my diet now and if I want a snack, I either grab a handful of almonds or I make a smoothie with Greek non-fat yogurt, coconut milk and whatever fruit I am in the mood for.
The real key is this....never tell yourself that you can not have something if you really, really want it! When I deny myself that something that I really want, I find that I want it even more and if I berate myself for indulging, I just end up feeling guilty. When you feel guilty, you start to believe that you have failed when you didn't! If I want a piece of chocolate once a month, then I have a piece of chocolate. I no longer want the whole chocolate bar because my body can not handle the sugar but a bite or two satisfies that craving.
Becoming healthy is about more than reaching a goal weight. It is a life style change and a change in your relationship with food. Eating healthy does not have to be a bland diet full of restrictions and hunger pangs. There are plenty of websites with super healthy recipes that my whole family loves. It also doesn't have to be expensive. Many times eating a healthy meal at home is more cost effective than running out for fast food.
Like I said before, the way that I did it may not work for everyone. I never counted calories and I did not join a weight loss program but if you feel that you need the support of a program, go for it! There are plenty of support groups on facebook and twitter where you will be able to connect with those who are walking down the same road and are very supportive of one another.
It all comes down to what you want. You are the only person who can take the first step to becoming a healthier, more energetic person. I think you will find that once you have taken the first step, there will be plenty of people who are willing to help guide you. I wish you a healthy, happy life!
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
Flare, Stupid Flare
Today has been a 'take it slow' day for me. Sometimes I do not realize that I have gone into flare until it's too late to do anything but try to minimize the symptoms. I have been pushing things harder than I should have but let's be honest here, fibro is a pain in the butt. It gets in the way of things that I want to do and sometimes I just blow right past the warning signs and do what I want to do anyway. I'm stubborn that way.
This has not been a major pain event, though I know that is coming. I realized this afternoon that I had gone into flare when I found myself misspelling the same simple word over and over again. I knew how to spell it. I knew what keys to hit, but my brain was not getting the signal to my hands. Later, I lost a thought in a thick cloud in my mind and could not reach in and get it back. Fibro fog. Damn!
I did it to myself. With the weather changing from warmish to freezing every other day, I knew to slow down and take precautions but sometimes those precautions are time consuming and I just don't want to do them. They cut in to the time that I could be doing other things. For example, I know to go to bed at a decent hour but I have been working at night because that is when I have a pretty good shot at actually getting some work done without "Mom!" being shouted fifty times in an hour.
I have been able to get a lot of work done while my family is sleeping so I'm not so sure that I'm willing to give up that quiet time just yet. Flare or not. I keep thinking that there must be a happy medium during daylight hours but with children, there really isn't. With all of the housework, errands, pets, children and my husband, I have no time during the day to just work, so I will continue to work at night. There is no other option at the moment.
I know that all I can really do is eat right, hydrate, exercise and rest when my body demands it. It promises to be very demanding for the foreseeable future. Don't you just love flare? Ya, me too. Hopefully someday soon, scientists will discover a real solution for this. In the mean time, if you have this, don't blow past the warning signs. Next time, I think I will pay closer attention.
This has not been a major pain event, though I know that is coming. I realized this afternoon that I had gone into flare when I found myself misspelling the same simple word over and over again. I knew how to spell it. I knew what keys to hit, but my brain was not getting the signal to my hands. Later, I lost a thought in a thick cloud in my mind and could not reach in and get it back. Fibro fog. Damn!
I did it to myself. With the weather changing from warmish to freezing every other day, I knew to slow down and take precautions but sometimes those precautions are time consuming and I just don't want to do them. They cut in to the time that I could be doing other things. For example, I know to go to bed at a decent hour but I have been working at night because that is when I have a pretty good shot at actually getting some work done without "Mom!" being shouted fifty times in an hour.
I have been able to get a lot of work done while my family is sleeping so I'm not so sure that I'm willing to give up that quiet time just yet. Flare or not. I keep thinking that there must be a happy medium during daylight hours but with children, there really isn't. With all of the housework, errands, pets, children and my husband, I have no time during the day to just work, so I will continue to work at night. There is no other option at the moment.
I know that all I can really do is eat right, hydrate, exercise and rest when my body demands it. It promises to be very demanding for the foreseeable future. Don't you just love flare? Ya, me too. Hopefully someday soon, scientists will discover a real solution for this. In the mean time, if you have this, don't blow past the warning signs. Next time, I think I will pay closer attention.
Monday, January 20, 2014
Taming Another Dragon
This morning a good friend of mine posted an article that talked about how childhood trauma, especially ongoing trauma, can affect our adult lives in areas that we probably never thought about. There are certain behaviors that as adults, we may not realize stem from rotten childhoods. When I read the article, I thought, "Holy cow! Did the writer watch my childhood?" My friend posting that particular article came at just the right moment for me. I believe it was divinely inspired. There are habits in my life that I did not recognize as having anything to do with my childhood on a subconscious level. Now that I recognize them, I can change them.
The reason that her article came at the perfect time is because whenever I begin to succeed in reaching my goals, I find myself blocked by those voices from the past telling me that it's never going to happen. If I ignore those past voices, the flashbacks start up. I had one of those flashbacks last night and it all most shut me down. I could have allowed it to take me to a dark place full of bad memories but instead I chose to handle it by showing love to another little girl.
I was sitting by the fireplace with my husband and I looked over into the kitchen and saw my 15 year old daughter standing on a chair, cleaning our over the range microwave. She was wearing a red shirt. That red shirt combined with how she was standing on that chair, bent at the waist to reach, took me right back to being a six year old girl in an instant.
I had been standing on a chair washing dishes. I was wearing a red t-shirt with a rainbow on the front. I was six so of course I was doing more daydreaming than cleaning. I don't know how long I stood there but it was long enough that my dish water had gone cold. My drunken step-dad had walked into the kitchen and caught me daydreaming and immediately knocked me off the chair. I flew across the kitchen and he just kept coming. That beating probably lasted no more than three minutes and ended with him dragging me to my bedroom doorway, lifting me above his head and throwing me across the room where I narrowly missed hitting the top bunk, landing on the bottom bunk. The wall stopped me from flying any further. That is the only time that I remember my Mother comforting me. She rocked me for a few minutes and kept telling me to stop crying.
My husband is the one who interrupted that flashback. He had put his hand on my knee and asked me if I was all right. I had been staring at my daughter with a strange look on my face. I got up, went to my daughter and hugged her. I told her what an amazing job she was doing and how much I appreciate that she was taking her time to clean the microwave right. She hugged me right back. THAT is how it should be.
After reading the article that my friend posted, I realized that anytime I begin to be successful in reaching my goals, those flashbacks intensify. I re-live every childhood trauma, and in my case there are many, and I allow them to stop me from reaching my goals. Not this time! This time I recognize what is happening. I will tame that dragon. The only way to do that is to ignore the past voices and push through the bad memories and accomplish what I set out to do.
The people who abused me and allowed the abuse to go on are sad, pathetic people whom I pity. I will give them no place in my world to do more harm to me or my children. I think that if I can forgive those who harmed me and feel nothing but pity for them, as well as, kicking them out of my life to keep my children safe, then I can tame the dragons that rear their heads to stop me from reaching the goals that I have set for myself.
In the end it is the here and now that truly matters. The past is gone. There is only the present and the future. Now that I recognize the problem, my future is looking a bit brighter. I will finish my books and reach my goals but the greatest thing that I will ever do - I have all ready done. My children grew up knowing love and safety every day of their lives. So now it is time to move forward.
The reason that her article came at the perfect time is because whenever I begin to succeed in reaching my goals, I find myself blocked by those voices from the past telling me that it's never going to happen. If I ignore those past voices, the flashbacks start up. I had one of those flashbacks last night and it all most shut me down. I could have allowed it to take me to a dark place full of bad memories but instead I chose to handle it by showing love to another little girl.
I was sitting by the fireplace with my husband and I looked over into the kitchen and saw my 15 year old daughter standing on a chair, cleaning our over the range microwave. She was wearing a red shirt. That red shirt combined with how she was standing on that chair, bent at the waist to reach, took me right back to being a six year old girl in an instant.
I had been standing on a chair washing dishes. I was wearing a red t-shirt with a rainbow on the front. I was six so of course I was doing more daydreaming than cleaning. I don't know how long I stood there but it was long enough that my dish water had gone cold. My drunken step-dad had walked into the kitchen and caught me daydreaming and immediately knocked me off the chair. I flew across the kitchen and he just kept coming. That beating probably lasted no more than three minutes and ended with him dragging me to my bedroom doorway, lifting me above his head and throwing me across the room where I narrowly missed hitting the top bunk, landing on the bottom bunk. The wall stopped me from flying any further. That is the only time that I remember my Mother comforting me. She rocked me for a few minutes and kept telling me to stop crying.
My husband is the one who interrupted that flashback. He had put his hand on my knee and asked me if I was all right. I had been staring at my daughter with a strange look on my face. I got up, went to my daughter and hugged her. I told her what an amazing job she was doing and how much I appreciate that she was taking her time to clean the microwave right. She hugged me right back. THAT is how it should be.
After reading the article that my friend posted, I realized that anytime I begin to be successful in reaching my goals, those flashbacks intensify. I re-live every childhood trauma, and in my case there are many, and I allow them to stop me from reaching my goals. Not this time! This time I recognize what is happening. I will tame that dragon. The only way to do that is to ignore the past voices and push through the bad memories and accomplish what I set out to do.
The people who abused me and allowed the abuse to go on are sad, pathetic people whom I pity. I will give them no place in my world to do more harm to me or my children. I think that if I can forgive those who harmed me and feel nothing but pity for them, as well as, kicking them out of my life to keep my children safe, then I can tame the dragons that rear their heads to stop me from reaching the goals that I have set for myself.
In the end it is the here and now that truly matters. The past is gone. There is only the present and the future. Now that I recognize the problem, my future is looking a bit brighter. I will finish my books and reach my goals but the greatest thing that I will ever do - I have all ready done. My children grew up knowing love and safety every day of their lives. So now it is time to move forward.
Sunday, January 19, 2014
The Fear of Failure
Yesterday was such a nice day. Not weather wise. For me it was too cold. What made yesterday so nice was that I spent the day with my husband and oldest daughter. We drove to her college and spent the afternoon talking and laughing.
Normally I will go see our daughter every two weeks by myself to re-stock her groceries. My husband either has to work or is too exhausted to go with me, so it was nice to have him there. I know that food is abundant on campus but there are times that she doesn't have time to go eat before everything closes or she is just so deep in her studies that she ends up eating in her dorm room. I am a worrier when it comes to 'are they eating right?' and 'are they warm enough?' It was easy when I had all of my chicks in the nest but now I have to work a little harder to make sure that they have everything that they need.
My husband is not a talker, so during the ride, when he decided it was time to give me some advice, I was kind of shocked. I was tickled too because I had no idea that he has been paying such close attention to something I have been dealing with. I will warn you, to some people, this is going to sound snotty and egotistic but it's really not. It is just part of my life that I need to adjust in order to reach my goals.
My husband wanted to talk about my writing and why I have a fear of sending out a manuscript before it is absolutely perfect. I have explained to him many times , plus one more time yesterday, that an un-polished manuscript sent out to an agent or a publisher will end up in 'the pile of death'. That is just how it works. He pointed out to me that I have been buying and reading books by best selling authors that were pure crap and their work didn't end up in 'the pile'. I have too, and they are crap in my opinion. I recently read a book by a best selling author who ended the love/adventure story by making the leading man turn into the loch ness monster at night. I thought my eyes were going to roll right out of my head and bounce across the floor. I don't want someone spending their hard earned money on my work only to roll their eyes in the last chapter.
Then he pointed out that I have been published in two separate poetry anthologies and even won a prize for one of those poems. Why, he wanted to know, don't I write a book of poetry? Because I don't want to. Here is what happened; I can write poetry all day long. It comes easy to me and I find no challenge in it. Some of the poems are beautiful and they do touch some people but it is not what I want to do. I entered that last contest (it was a national poetry society yearly contest, looking for new poets) because the first place prize was $15,000.00 and I wanted to use that money to buy my husband a few commercial grade saws for his shop. There we're over 70,000 entries. The poets that placed first through fifteenth would be read onto a cd (which would be sold in certain stores) and given a copy of the anthology along with a certificate and a ribbon. I placed 11th. That pissed me off.
While everyone around me was pointing out that I had placed 11th out of over 70,000 poems and I should be proud of that, all I could think was, "Great. Now he won't get his saws." I took the anthology, the cd, the ribbon and the certificate and tossed them in the dumpster. I didn't care one little bit about them. I cared about whether or not my husband got the tools that he needed for his shop. I haven't bothered to enter another one of those contests.
Yes, I know, it seems childish but I don't want to write poetry unless it benefits the people that I care about. I want to write the things that make you wonder if you should check your shoes before you stick your feet in them. When the darkness looks back at you, what are its intentions? When you are alone and feel a cold breath on the back of your neck, are you really alone? I want to stand shoulder to shoulder with the big boys of horror -and that scares me. Am I good enough? Poetry doesn't give me that stomach twisting nervousness.
My husband suggested that I merge the two like Edgar Allen Poe. I told him that Poe's work is great but the man was straight up crazy. He just grinned and said, "Crazy people never know they are crazy." So I immediately start over analyzing myself to determine if I really am nuts and quickly came to the conclusion that it doesn't matter. He loves me. Crazy and all.
At a stop sign a half a mile from home, he turned to me and said, "Baby, you will always be afraid of failing until you fail and you can't do that until you put yourself out there. Get the manuscript done and send it out. Someone is going to like it." I love that man.
He is right. I can't let fear hold me back. Especially when fear is what I write about. Failure is just a learning experience. It isn't the end of a dream. It is merely a stepping stone. I have ten manuscripts waiting for polish. It is time for me to get to work.
Normally I will go see our daughter every two weeks by myself to re-stock her groceries. My husband either has to work or is too exhausted to go with me, so it was nice to have him there. I know that food is abundant on campus but there are times that she doesn't have time to go eat before everything closes or she is just so deep in her studies that she ends up eating in her dorm room. I am a worrier when it comes to 'are they eating right?' and 'are they warm enough?' It was easy when I had all of my chicks in the nest but now I have to work a little harder to make sure that they have everything that they need.
My husband is not a talker, so during the ride, when he decided it was time to give me some advice, I was kind of shocked. I was tickled too because I had no idea that he has been paying such close attention to something I have been dealing with. I will warn you, to some people, this is going to sound snotty and egotistic but it's really not. It is just part of my life that I need to adjust in order to reach my goals.
My husband wanted to talk about my writing and why I have a fear of sending out a manuscript before it is absolutely perfect. I have explained to him many times , plus one more time yesterday, that an un-polished manuscript sent out to an agent or a publisher will end up in 'the pile of death'. That is just how it works. He pointed out to me that I have been buying and reading books by best selling authors that were pure crap and their work didn't end up in 'the pile'. I have too, and they are crap in my opinion. I recently read a book by a best selling author who ended the love/adventure story by making the leading man turn into the loch ness monster at night. I thought my eyes were going to roll right out of my head and bounce across the floor. I don't want someone spending their hard earned money on my work only to roll their eyes in the last chapter.
Then he pointed out that I have been published in two separate poetry anthologies and even won a prize for one of those poems. Why, he wanted to know, don't I write a book of poetry? Because I don't want to. Here is what happened; I can write poetry all day long. It comes easy to me and I find no challenge in it. Some of the poems are beautiful and they do touch some people but it is not what I want to do. I entered that last contest (it was a national poetry society yearly contest, looking for new poets) because the first place prize was $15,000.00 and I wanted to use that money to buy my husband a few commercial grade saws for his shop. There we're over 70,000 entries. The poets that placed first through fifteenth would be read onto a cd (which would be sold in certain stores) and given a copy of the anthology along with a certificate and a ribbon. I placed 11th. That pissed me off.
While everyone around me was pointing out that I had placed 11th out of over 70,000 poems and I should be proud of that, all I could think was, "Great. Now he won't get his saws." I took the anthology, the cd, the ribbon and the certificate and tossed them in the dumpster. I didn't care one little bit about them. I cared about whether or not my husband got the tools that he needed for his shop. I haven't bothered to enter another one of those contests.
Yes, I know, it seems childish but I don't want to write poetry unless it benefits the people that I care about. I want to write the things that make you wonder if you should check your shoes before you stick your feet in them. When the darkness looks back at you, what are its intentions? When you are alone and feel a cold breath on the back of your neck, are you really alone? I want to stand shoulder to shoulder with the big boys of horror -and that scares me. Am I good enough? Poetry doesn't give me that stomach twisting nervousness.
My husband suggested that I merge the two like Edgar Allen Poe. I told him that Poe's work is great but the man was straight up crazy. He just grinned and said, "Crazy people never know they are crazy." So I immediately start over analyzing myself to determine if I really am nuts and quickly came to the conclusion that it doesn't matter. He loves me. Crazy and all.
At a stop sign a half a mile from home, he turned to me and said, "Baby, you will always be afraid of failing until you fail and you can't do that until you put yourself out there. Get the manuscript done and send it out. Someone is going to like it." I love that man.
He is right. I can't let fear hold me back. Especially when fear is what I write about. Failure is just a learning experience. It isn't the end of a dream. It is merely a stepping stone. I have ten manuscripts waiting for polish. It is time for me to get to work.
Friday, January 17, 2014
Getting Ready For The Weekend
I am one tired girl tonight. Today has been busy, busy. It started with no sleep last night. Another cold front moved through so the fibro fairy and I argued all night. I thought she should allow the Sandman to come in but she wanted to play the muscle spasm game. She won.
I left early and did my grocery shopping. I also did my daughter's grocery shopping so I can stock her fridge when I go visit her at her college tomorrow. I haven't seen her in two weeks so I am excited. Let's hope the weather is feeling kinder tomorrow than it was today. If not, I'm going anyway. I look forward to our visits.
After putting away the groceries, I threw a couple of pork roasts in the crock pot on low so that when I get home tomorrow, I can pull the meat apart, add bar-b-que sauce and coleslaw and viola! Dinner is ready with very little rushing around on my part. The family can eat pulled pork sandwiches with coleslaw and chips while I take a much needed nap. I just love that crock pot! It makes my life so much simpler.
I spent the late afternoon pulling jewelry patterns that I had made before the holidays pulled me away from them. It's time to get back on the horse and rebuild my stock so that I can revamp my etsy store and do one more thing that I adore. I absolutely love making jewelry. The more intricate, the better. I found out that if I focus on tiny work (seed beads), I do not focus on what my body is doing at all. I get lost in both jewelry making and writing. It is a form of therapy and it helps to bring in a decent income. My goal this year is to get my greenhouse built and also a new wood shop for my husband.
He has built a shop on every property that we have owned except this one. We only bought this house three years ago and he has been so busy with work, there has been no time for him to build one. I want to have it done for him as a gift. I am not entirely being the sweet, loving wife. I have ulterior motives. He has been telling me that he is ready to start working from home in his own shop again but he is just too busy to slow down and build the shop. I want him to work from home. I miss that! I like having my husband near by. I like working in his shop with him. The smell of the wood, being able to have lunch with him everyday, knowing that if I need to make an appointment for him, it won't matter if he can take time off to go to the chiropractor because he is his own boss...ya. It's time to get that back. I'm not romanticizing it. We both need our space at times but I love being around my husband.
This is going to be a fun and challenging year. I am so looking forward to all of the changes. For now though, I am looking forward to sleep. I have locked all of the doors and windows in the hope that the fibro fairy will take a hint. I hope that you all sleep well and you have a fun, pain free weekend.
I left early and did my grocery shopping. I also did my daughter's grocery shopping so I can stock her fridge when I go visit her at her college tomorrow. I haven't seen her in two weeks so I am excited. Let's hope the weather is feeling kinder tomorrow than it was today. If not, I'm going anyway. I look forward to our visits.
After putting away the groceries, I threw a couple of pork roasts in the crock pot on low so that when I get home tomorrow, I can pull the meat apart, add bar-b-que sauce and coleslaw and viola! Dinner is ready with very little rushing around on my part. The family can eat pulled pork sandwiches with coleslaw and chips while I take a much needed nap. I just love that crock pot! It makes my life so much simpler.
I spent the late afternoon pulling jewelry patterns that I had made before the holidays pulled me away from them. It's time to get back on the horse and rebuild my stock so that I can revamp my etsy store and do one more thing that I adore. I absolutely love making jewelry. The more intricate, the better. I found out that if I focus on tiny work (seed beads), I do not focus on what my body is doing at all. I get lost in both jewelry making and writing. It is a form of therapy and it helps to bring in a decent income. My goal this year is to get my greenhouse built and also a new wood shop for my husband.
He has built a shop on every property that we have owned except this one. We only bought this house three years ago and he has been so busy with work, there has been no time for him to build one. I want to have it done for him as a gift. I am not entirely being the sweet, loving wife. I have ulterior motives. He has been telling me that he is ready to start working from home in his own shop again but he is just too busy to slow down and build the shop. I want him to work from home. I miss that! I like having my husband near by. I like working in his shop with him. The smell of the wood, being able to have lunch with him everyday, knowing that if I need to make an appointment for him, it won't matter if he can take time off to go to the chiropractor because he is his own boss...ya. It's time to get that back. I'm not romanticizing it. We both need our space at times but I love being around my husband.
This is going to be a fun and challenging year. I am so looking forward to all of the changes. For now though, I am looking forward to sleep. I have locked all of the doors and windows in the hope that the fibro fairy will take a hint. I hope that you all sleep well and you have a fun, pain free weekend.
Thursday, January 16, 2014
Why this blog called Exquisitely Stupid
It has brought to my attention that I have not explained the reason that I named this blog Exquisitely Stupid. I am not referring to myself in the title. When I started this blog there were so many things going on in my life that I needed to sort through. The title refers to how I view the pain that visits me on a daily basis and also to some of the more ridiculous events that I have had to deal with. I just never really thought that anyone would want to read my thoughts. It amazes me that you have come here. It also lets me know that I am not alone and that all by itself, is a pretty good pain reliever.
Knowing that you read my blog gives me something to focus on other than the pain. I look forward to the next post and sharing it with you. So I want to Thank You! If this blog has brightened your day in any way, then we have helped each other and that makes this blog worth writing.
If you have read through past posts then you all ready know that I have several chronic pain conditions. If you haven't, I will explain them to you. The short version, without all of the medical speak, is this, I have fibromyalgia. In my case it is genetic. It is passed down through the women in my family. I also have chronic myofascial pain (CMP). That came from a violent childhood that damaged my myofascia beyond its ability to heal itself and is made worse by the muscle spams that come with fibromyalgia. Those spasms cause tiny tears within the myofascia and the body tries to heal them with scar tissue. That scar tissue has gotten out of control, making my case more severe than it would have been without the CMP. I also have chronic fatigue syndrome, chronic migraine and we suspect Raynaud's Phenomenon but are still trying to pin point if that is part of the problem.
I am not the only person dealing with all of these problems. There are many of us, but for me, many days the pain is both exquisite and stupid. By exquisite I mean that the intensity can be over whelming. Some days it feels like there is a layer of gasoline between my skin and muscles and someone lit it on fire. Some days it feels like muscle is being torn away from the bone. Some days I can't lift my head from a migraine and some days I can't walk without falling down. The symptoms vary and the pain is severe. I never know what is going to hit me in the morning. It is stupid to have to hurt that badly. I find it so completely stupid to hurt this way that I have no choice but to laugh, which some people find morbid but if I don't laugh and if I don't find more positive ways to cope, I would give up and that just isn't in my nature.
I feel that I am fortunate in this fight against my own body. I have met many others who also fight this with a sense of humor and a positive attitude. I have an understanding family and a whole team of doctors that actually talk to one another. It took me eleven years to put together the team that I have but they are fantastic and I am grateful for them. I think God gave me a couple of bonuses to lean on too. Literally. I have a Great Pyrenees and a Pitt Bull who, though they were never trained to do it, know before I do if I am about to fall and they quickly position themselves in front of me and brace themselves so I can catch myself on their backs. It amazes me that they are so in tune with me and I am so grateful for them! Kissing the floor isn't my idea of a good time.
Occasionally I get an all most painless day. I look forward to those. In the meantime, I will take care of my rebellious body, search for ways to lessen the pain and deliberately do the things that I am told I can not. And when the pain is exquisitely stupid I will get back up. Every time.
Knowing that you read my blog gives me something to focus on other than the pain. I look forward to the next post and sharing it with you. So I want to Thank You! If this blog has brightened your day in any way, then we have helped each other and that makes this blog worth writing.
If you have read through past posts then you all ready know that I have several chronic pain conditions. If you haven't, I will explain them to you. The short version, without all of the medical speak, is this, I have fibromyalgia. In my case it is genetic. It is passed down through the women in my family. I also have chronic myofascial pain (CMP). That came from a violent childhood that damaged my myofascia beyond its ability to heal itself and is made worse by the muscle spams that come with fibromyalgia. Those spasms cause tiny tears within the myofascia and the body tries to heal them with scar tissue. That scar tissue has gotten out of control, making my case more severe than it would have been without the CMP. I also have chronic fatigue syndrome, chronic migraine and we suspect Raynaud's Phenomenon but are still trying to pin point if that is part of the problem.
I am not the only person dealing with all of these problems. There are many of us, but for me, many days the pain is both exquisite and stupid. By exquisite I mean that the intensity can be over whelming. Some days it feels like there is a layer of gasoline between my skin and muscles and someone lit it on fire. Some days it feels like muscle is being torn away from the bone. Some days I can't lift my head from a migraine and some days I can't walk without falling down. The symptoms vary and the pain is severe. I never know what is going to hit me in the morning. It is stupid to have to hurt that badly. I find it so completely stupid to hurt this way that I have no choice but to laugh, which some people find morbid but if I don't laugh and if I don't find more positive ways to cope, I would give up and that just isn't in my nature.
I feel that I am fortunate in this fight against my own body. I have met many others who also fight this with a sense of humor and a positive attitude. I have an understanding family and a whole team of doctors that actually talk to one another. It took me eleven years to put together the team that I have but they are fantastic and I am grateful for them. I think God gave me a couple of bonuses to lean on too. Literally. I have a Great Pyrenees and a Pitt Bull who, though they were never trained to do it, know before I do if I am about to fall and they quickly position themselves in front of me and brace themselves so I can catch myself on their backs. It amazes me that they are so in tune with me and I am so grateful for them! Kissing the floor isn't my idea of a good time.
Occasionally I get an all most painless day. I look forward to those. In the meantime, I will take care of my rebellious body, search for ways to lessen the pain and deliberately do the things that I am told I can not. And when the pain is exquisitely stupid I will get back up. Every time.
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